Friday, February 17, 2017


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It's five years from now. The day when the old friend re-united, the girl was holding a pile of books from library and the guy was casual in plaid shirt. It feels like the good old days...

"How are you?"

"It has been a long time... very good.  You?"

"Yeah.." He tapped his shoe on the floor, "Do you remember everything I told you before? About how much I admire you?" I knew it... I knew it... But she keeps her heads up, holding her pride as high as she could.

There was a distant silence between both of them as if a wall of bricks just block their way from each other, "No, but I remember every word you said since you left.", said her pride, breaking the silence like a shattered glass.

"It's too late, isn't it?" She knew he had been looking at her hand just now; in which there lies silver ring upon her finger. He forced a smile as she looked away, holding her tears from streaming down her cheeks. She bit her lower lips as her eyes trembled. She bet herself her face must have turned as red as beet. She knew if she didn't she must have been crying for thousand years.

"Can I ask you a question?" His tone laden with resignation.

She nodded, even though she wasn't even sure if she, herself, is ready to hear or answer whatever question he is about to ask. "Does a fool like me ever deserve a second chance?"

"Why?" A tear fell down her cheek, she wiped. "Why do they need a second chance anyway?" She muttered.

"I am a fool. Do I deserve a second chance?"

"I love him." No, she loves you. And she still does.

"You're lying." He couldn't believe what he just heard.

"Why would I lie for loving my fiancè? For pride? Huh?" Yes, dear.. for the sake of your pride. You lied.

He stood there in frozen motion. He stopped breathing for awhile trying to recall as much as he can to prove her as many clues. "Did you forget our promise? Never lie to each other ever again? To correct me whenever I do wrong?"

"I was being honest"

"You lied twice..." He knew.

"... I can't. It's too hard, too hurt."

"That is why..."

"Why now... I thought it was ended. And I never heard from you anywhere since that day. Now that I am about to marry him... you showed up."

"I was afraid... of rejections." She looked away, hands clutched. "Because you're my biggest fear."

"You should've told me a long time ago." And now that chasm between them felt even deeper and darker and bigger. There was no way for them to go back to how they were before.


"I am sorry."

But unlike him, she was sorry for the things unsaid and unresolved between them. For the things that she knew herself had been hiding from him, for she is also afraid for him to know that he is also her biggest fear. She turned around to clear her head, but it became more jumbled with each step she takes because she has been battling with questions that nobody has the answers to since a few years ago.

Disclaimer: don't worry it's just a fiction! I was inspired after seeing people on the road today lollll

Unboxing Packages !!

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"And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' "
-Quran Ibrahim:7

Last month, I was super duper happy because a lot of packages came in the mail!! (It was a very good thing to begin new year, 2017 is my year kkk) Well, too bad I didn't take a picture because I was so hyped about it and didn't even think to make it as a blog post, well no one cares though. What I did everyday was waiting for my packages to come. I woke up thinking about where my packages are now, eating thinking about my babies flying in the aircraft on their way to their momma here. You know, I always love the feeling of receiving mails and stuffs since I have been snailmaling and sent postcards. Like you know.. that happy unexplainable feeling when you open the package and wondering what's inside (though you knew anyway), that is the best feeling ever. I think I am going to start snailmailing again after all these hectic days of exam pass. (Well I was running out of money because hella this hobby requires so much money, time, and creativity) Well, exams. This too shall pass. Screw you:(

I ordered a few stuffs (including 7 books and etc!!) and received a gift from Zenius. Alhamdulillah, I am one of the lucky Zenius user I guess. So many blessings.  Nonetheless, the book from Zenius is supeeer aesthetic and it really does satisfy my needs and thirst for astronomy. Thank you so muchhhh Zenius! Oh... and I am loving the tutor signsss, I sticked it on the wall to keep me reminded lol. Zenius tutors are the best teachers I've ever known. I will never forget them forever in my life. Oh so cliché but nevermind, I mean it. (Please refer to this blog post if you haven't read the article, here)
truth be told, everyone. we are all doomed.

"May the force will always be with you"
 - Love, Wilo
"Dare to question everything! And the light will shine upon you... Enjoy the ride ♥" - Sabda
"Keep exploring the world. Remember, not all who wander are lost. May you have a great journey." = Fanny Rofalina
"Thank you for believing in us!!" - Zenius  (Thank you for errrrthing!!)
Now, tell me how can I unlove Zenius if they had given me so much?

I also ordered a book from South Korea (ofc south not north u stupid) since the beginning of January too. However, I didn't get any notification after two weeks or so nor didn't get a hint of whether my books will be shipped or it gets lost somewhere. Finally I got a notification about the shipping process after waiting for a few weeks, meh. Well, at least it got here safely now! I've only read 1/3 part of the book so far since I am so lazy and so on, but this book shall finish before April. Why? Ya because why not lol kbye.

thank you Ahimsa Wardah! I love dinosaurs
열심히 공부해요!
I didn't manage to take and post every picture, but yeah, I think I am just going to post pictures of books. Lololol. Oh and mashaallah I almost forgotten... alhamdulillah, I would like to express my gratitude for the gifts and surprise on my birthday last year ^3^ I couldn't ask for anything better than your company and support throughout the year! Thank you for everyone who always be there for me, make me laugh from day to night, create wonderful moments, and teach me the meaning of this world, about our existence and purpose. Oh, and you. Thanks to you too, ehehe I mean all of you, and you though. Your existence is enough as a blessing for me. (Aw I am so sweet lmao) May Allah blesses you guys with happiness and success in the dunya and the hereafter. Mashaallah how ungrateful I have been these days... astaghfirullah.

"Being envious and jealous of others will rot your heart, 
ask Allah to increase His blessings upon them and you'll see your heart blossoms." - Saad Taslem

Thursday, February 16, 2017

The Tale

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pride and prejudice

And maybe it was more than that. Maybe it was actually an instant agreement between two young unspoken minds demanded to be understood by each other without ever saying it straightly. Selfish? I don't think so. "I have so much that I want to say to you, but I just don't know how to form it into words." Peter broke the silence between them.

I love you as certain dark things 

are to be loved, 

in secret, 

between the shadow and the soul.

Ursula gritted her teeth, fidgeting as she looked away, "Then, I don't have the right to ask you since it would cross our boundaries." Well, sometimes I hope you can just say whatever you want to say. The ears are not only to hear what we want to hear, sometimes it has to hear the things we don't want to hear. Just because we didn't say certain things, doesn't mean we don't feel them.

Thinking of it as a nonchalant act but it was way harder to know when and how it began. Even though both of them knew it never began. Worries dwell, the hearts swell. The old fellows parted away from each other amicably as their souls intertwined in despair.

Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

He, the untold story

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Allah always knows how to teach His servants in a way that sometimes feels magical yet impossible. Ever since it has ended, I realised how Allah had always been reminding me to stop but I stubborn thinking that it would be a happy ending soon. It took me three years or so to finally understand the situation I actually am in for I finally could comprehend cold-headedly that what happened that day in the first year of high school was absolute nonsense and a complete utter bullshit. I thought it was just a matter of time but yeah lol it was.

It was not so long after the unexpected hello after all those empty stares. I wonder how you lured me in for so long. I must be wrong-spelt. Well, but I am grateful it wasn't more than that. Had it never ends, I would never stop continue thinking that way. As long as I could recall, he was all funny lies disguised in sweet lines. I wonder how did you even get the idea to make up the lies? Making me sounded like I was all crazy about you? Victim-blaming yourself? Jeez. I feel bad that's only in your head.

Why did I waste my time?

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Déjà vu

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There were times 
when everything felt so unsure 
and the other time it felt so certain
I didn't know 
how everything felt close 
yet distant– 
whether it was a real beginning 
or more as though remembering 
some sort of Déjà vu

I believed and didn't believe
because not all paths join
We know too well
that a situation
could change one's mind
every whisper 
brings me closer 
to a long list 
of impossible conclusions

Sometimes I thought
as if I have given so much
to things that
weren't worth 
my time, 
who am I to blame?