Sunday, December 31, 2017


Image result for star tumblr
Once upon a time, somebody loved t-he gravity so much.
He was a whisper of blue, colour me intrigued.
He was an ice in the desert; fire in the glaciers.
He was the star that redrew the cosmos in the expanding universe.
He made her look at the stars differently, to the names of constellations.
It was true. Not an exaggerating black nor a pretentious white.
Six-feet deep, I am at the edge of the stellar black hole.
I've seen this raw strength only once before;
untamed power and beyond that, something hidden.
Although stars continued to collide
in the universe that is no longer infinite and immutable.
Even if one day, mankind's descendant will gaze at the night sky
and see a starless carpet of perfect black.
I don't know. I never knew.
Should the gravity collapse,
may the Force will always be with you.

WOw, does it sound a bit cheesy, eh? Forgive me, my Lord.
This is nothing. Just a glimpse of thoughts at midnight, I just need to pour it all out.
Oh, and this, too, will be the last post in 2017. Welcome, 2018. Be good to me.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

3 months or less // a reflection on year 2017

Image result for plane tumblr
Date: 14 December 2017, today;
Time: 2:26 a - posted;
Place & Condition: living room, with blankets on and comfy pajama, the weather is quite cold after rains since morning. puffy eyes, dark circles, redness, flaky, and pimples all over the face (lol sorry). oh, and hungry.
Just a few weeks more before 2018. This year was okay. Fantastic if I may say, the dynamics of being a high schooler to a college student. The first six months of 2017 was filled with the constant chaos of exams: from school mid-term, end-term (whatever you name it), national exam, SNMPTN (though I didn't pass since the very first round kk), SBMPTN, UM/Mandiri/Simak UI, TOPIK, IELTS, and never-ending life lessons. woooww, that escalated quickly. All of this was planned the year before in 2015-2016 to prepare myself for whatever it takes in 2018. For me, 2017 is a year of execution. What I've been planning and prepared for years before were executed this year; to determine whether or not I've tried and prepared seriously for the life that I wanted. 

From July to September I was living a life as a sophomore in one of the public university in my city. The reason why I got into this university was because: this is the only university that accepted me. Period. I've never thought that university life is supposed to be like that, or maybe just there, I don't know. Or maybe just because I never wanted to be there. However, I am grateful that I still got accepted because this is a pre-requirement from my mom before I can actually choose what I want. During those times, I kept fulfilling my duty as a student there by attending courses and doing tasks just like the other, but on the other time, I was still preparing for a scholarship abroad. Yea, finally, I said it after such a long time... I used to only talk about it implicitly. Alhamdulillah things unexpectedly went good, although I still have to wait for some other final announcements.

I still have 3 months or less, before stepping into a totally new world for the next five years or less. The thing that I have always wanted (nor do I still believe that I achieved it) is in my hand now. But, when I think about it now: is it what i really wanted? 

Before deciding to take this path, I have thought over both the benefits and consequences that I will take, the opportunities that will follow and the things that I have to sacrifice in order to do that.  Once I stepped in, there is no way to go back (before such period of time) and I have to deal with whatever that I will face in the following years. Getting this once in a lifetime experience is both a blessing and trial for me. The only reason that keeps me doing and reaching for my dream is my parents. But my parents is also the reason why I don't feel like to go far away from home.

I was being pretty emotional tonight, maybe because it was 2 a.m and I was tired while the thoughts of living far away from home suddenly appeared and haunted me. I will miss the decent and unfunny jokes my family always throws every day. My family is nonsense and our joke is nowhere else to be found except in our tiny home. I will miss how much I hate being told to wash the dishes. I will miss how I always argue with my brother and laughs like a crazy although he is so annoying. I will miss the taste of my mom's home-cooked meals even though it is not as fancy as in the restaurant. I will miss my always-messy-room my dad never stops to talk about. I will miss every single thing that I hate and eventually I will realized how much I have been ungrateful for the things that has been there all the way around.

I still have 3 months or less; 

I decided to quit earlier from the university in my country even though my departure is still on next year and it is not even the end of the semester. I spent 3-4 months there and I was glad, at least, I have some new friends and knowledges. Three months might sound like a long time, but it feels like a short time now. I just want to spend more time with my family and friends before going to the other side of the world. I want to spend more time at home: even though I don't even do anything significant at home, just laying down, or doing something unnecessary. Although later I will not be completely alone, things would get lonely sometimes and I will miss every little things I never noticed here before.

So, is it still what i really wanted? 
Yes. For my parents, family, and my own sake.

"And maybe I, too, shall remember why I started.So when things go wrong or I become uncomfortable, I can still find a way to be grateful and tawakkal* for anything that may happen in the future."

(1) Religion; Islamic belief.
(2)Tawakkal is having full faith of Allah that He will take care of you, even when things look impossible.