Serenity Radiance

Have you ever wondered

About the howling wind
Whistling sound encircles the horizon
Alpha and omega waves
Embrace soothing heats
Weeping thunder in a form of rains
And the metaphors within
And all the above
Are for the beauty of wanderlust


[10.1.2016-2.28am]

Conspiracy Theories

"The fact that some infinite number of parallel universes are exist. That we also have to accept the fact that there is no greater number of infinite number and its relevancy. And the concept of infinity itself is beautiful."

Sometimes I still don't understand the origin of life itself. How some people naturally built their own circles and their circles connected to another circle within their bigger circles. Somehow, it reminds me to the Theory of Parallel Universe, the possibilities and paradoxes that we might live in a multiverse. The complication and its mindblowing scientific facts. That there could be another universe with uncountable groups of galaxy superclusters. The fact that some infinite number of parallel universes are exist. That we also have to accept the fact that there is no greater number of infinite number and its relevancy. And the concept of infinity itself is beautiful on its own.

However, we can't separate it with the existency of Fermi Paradox; the apparent contradiction between high estimates of the probability of the existence of extraterrestrial civilization and humanity's lack of contact with, or evidence for, such civilizations. The possibility that there could be another civilization inside or outside our tiny Milky Way Galaxy. Exactly, and Drake Equation. Or that we should accept, that we are, the human, are the only civilization. The possibility that we might be the alien of our own planet. Smaller than the smallest atomic units. That we live in this entire massive universe itself(despite the fact that there possibly a multiverse), all alone.

Why am I thinking about this. My head. I might get aneurysms.

2015; not as a number

"I see people as a flower garden with a golden pot at the end of the rainbow, they seemed as if they are always happy and full of joy outside; and some other is a wrecked ship who survives through a lot of pain and tears, who screaming out of their lungs in silent for a help without even letting others know that they need one."

Assalamu'alaikum, may peace be upon you!

First thing first, I want to thank everyone who gave so many life experiences and contributed in my "2015" chapter with so many beautiful memories and lessons throughout the year. I also really appreciate everyone who sticks with me until now and understands the good and the bad in me. I am sorry that I've always been annoying and freak almost all the time. All gratitude for Allah, for the endless blessings and beautiful life, family, and friends. Alhamdulillah. I feel so bad that I still am a bad servant, a bad Muslim for everyone. I want to thank everyone who shares their life, cooking recipes(and its pictures! and vanilla's (cat) pictures sleeping all day long!), advises about life or my future education, and also those who helped me in learning new languages like Japanese, French, Russian, and Korean. You guys have inspired me so much, even though probably you don't read this post but I'll still mention it anyway. Good luck with everything and the future. Oh! I also want to thank someone who indirectly helps me learn about Islam even deeper more than I used to know before, you probably don't expect this, and no, I wouldn't be bored by the questions anyway. May Allah makes it easier for you and I hope you will see the light soon. Thanks for those who leave comments and follow this nonsense blog, I really appreciate that! Whoa... it sounds like a Grammy award speech hahaha. I probably also did hurt people by my mean words and sarcasm, I am sorry okay? I said that with a full honesty though Hahaha kidding. No, I mean it.

So many things happened last year and it took me a year to finally understand why some events occurred and somehow I just realize the relations between one to another from a person to another person. And I don't regret any single failures and mistakes that exist, it shaped me for what I am today. It helps me learn to understand different characters and personalities each people have and it will always be. I see people as a flower garden with a golden pot at the end of the rainbow, they seemed as if they are always happy and full of joy outside; and some other is a wrecked ship who survives through a lot of pain and tears, who screaming out of their lungs in silent for a help without even letting others know that they need one. But, even the "flower garden" type always have their wrecked and dark side, while the "wrecked ship" type basically prefers to hide their rainbow and flower garden somewhere deep inside their hearts. And every single one of them is beautiful for the way they are. Society sucks, don't let them tell you otherwise. I believe that everyone ever felt an emptiness at least once, just remember that cherry blossoms await in the future. Anyway, welcome 2016.

A Seacht Déag

"When you're seventeen at early twenties, that's the time you're trying to work out who you are. If you're trying to make some kind of artistic or creative impact, that's the age when you start to figure out how to do that." - Daniel Radcliffe

Well said, Potter Dan! Guess what kind of post I'd be writing each December? Exactly, adding one number to my age and guess what, someone has been recognized to be an official citizen. Say what? "Wow such a nonsense congratulations!". Thank you. Oh finally, my precious identity and driving license cards. My precious piece of paper. Then what's with that happy girl in winter picture and Dan's quote and you being seventeen years old anyway? Because hella dude it's frickin' SEVENTEEN! One more than sixteen, or seven more than ten. Err. No, no sweet seventeen please, I ain't sweet. I am seventeen. The good things about seventeen is that you’re not sixteen. Sixteen goes with the word sweet, and I am so far from sweet. Life at best is bittersweet. /Whip my hijab back and forth/

Seventeen, only comes once in a lifetime

Don't it just fly by wild and free

Goin' anyway the wind blew baby

Seventeen, livin' on crazy dreams

Rock and Roll and faded blue jeans

And standin' on the edge of everythin'

Seventeen

Tim McGraw

I am not as concerned about me either. Neither do I realize. But thinking about happiness, I came up with the word "smallpox"; if you catch it too soon, it can completely ruin your constitution. Such a nice choice of words. You are very welcome. Actually, my family and relatives had very low expectations of me, about me dreaming such dreams, and they really had a point. I am such a big problem at seventeen and throughout my whole life. Or even if I had a kid like me, I would have those same expectations.

"But you don't know this…seventeen never knows it. At seventeen dreams do satisfy because you think the realities are waiting for you further on. Now, Anne, don't look as if you were trying to understand. Seventeen can't understand." -L.M Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Thank you Madame Montgomery, my all time favorite author, to remind me that a seventeen years old would never understand. Well I hope I will be more critical and realistic to such issues. By the way, thanks a bunch for the wishes and gifts. And a special greeting for my five obnoxious friends whom I thought had forgotten about my birthday and all of sudden gave me such a shock by appearing in my room with birthday cake, gray balloons, and my gold paper you cut without my permission. Who posted my very embarrassing picture wearing mukena in school group. I hate you, because love is such a strong word.

Ew.

Scientifically Attractive

"I like people who ventures out mentally, people who like to have intellectual conversations with me, the type who actually tries to reach the corners of my mind and bring different parts of me that are hard for me to express. The part of me that I am afraid to show to the world because I am anxious for being called a freak because I have obsession to strange things to the eye of the world."

As you may already know based on certain scientific proofs that our brain works in mysterious ways. Surprisingly it tends to be more creative at night and that is why mostly I write posts like this at midnight. It's 1.43 am here, and I was just getting up after being lazy for the whole day, still, didn't finish my home works yet. As expected. I know I am undisciplined, I just found out another activities which I consider more interesting. I guess? I haven't do my art home works yet, gosh see I almost ended up complaining too much.

But here goes my chest feels lighter than before as if the burdens that weighed me these days have been lifted up. It did. Thank you for slapping me so hard to made me realize that I didn't know myself quite well and to know me better than myself. Now I realized where this pride brought me to. But then again I wasn't regret because hell dude it shaped me to who I am today and shouldn't we be grateful for it?

Anyway, as I got my mood back or your so called energized. Whatever. Allow me to share what I've learned in these last few weeks. I've been surrounded by multicultural diversity through my whole life even though I jumped to its activity approximately since I got my first Facebook account (dude, I got my first account when I was in grade 6!) Okay so let me tell you, I have this kinda strict parents. well they don't bite, I understand that it is just their way to love me as I am their only daughter, even though I have one brother too, but you guys already know how parents protect their daughter. Well and as a good daughter, I don't want to do something without my parents' permission, as far as I am concerned, I never did. Even though I know, some other things didn't really harm me. They have raised me this far, is it obvious?

Since then, I started to make friends with foreigners that few years later I decided to do snailmailing and postcrossing, etcetera. It always gives me some strange feeling whenever I received mail or packages from people in the other side of the world. I remember my very first letter was so short and I am feeling like my whole day brightened up. I learned so many things like their cultural norms, languages, signatured things from their country, until their personal opinions towards everything. I found it really amusing to know different thoughts. I learned how to deal with things I've never expected to deal with. Honestly I hate small talks, in outside I look like I don't know how to start a conversation and being all awkward wallflower doesn't know what to do, but once you get closer to me, you will never get rid of long paragraphs (Okay even though I have this one friend who is one level above me. Shut up, don't be cocky.) 

Talking about daily life is amusing sometimes, but in certain point sometimes we need to stop being dull minded people and start thinking about something differently. I like people who ventures out mentally, people who like to have intellectual conversations with me, the type who actually tries to reach the corners of my mind and bring different parts of me that are hard for me to express. The part of me that I am afraid to show to the world because I am anxious for being called a freak because I have obsession to strange things to the eye of the world. Or if I could say; I wanna talk about faraway galaxies, your opinion about how the universe was created, the meaning of life, death, atoms, aliens, your childhood, insecurities, and fears. I like people with depth, who tend to see the world by their own perspective. Who didn't see the world the way the media shows them. Twisted mind and memories. I would never get bored to this kind of people. Because they know how to live the life indeed.

As for myself, it is scientifically attractive. But you really have to know, I am not one of those people who are born smart-headed, I am so lazy and basic potato kind of girl, I am just having a big admiration towards intelligence. And that is it. We always attracted by the quality its possess, aren't we? Despite that, it sounds like a reciprocity of attraction, isn't it? Obviously. Psychologically, it is a term of phenomenon which reflects the notion that people feel better about themselves from the people who surrounded them with positive feelings. It works best naturally, correct or correct?

However, no matter how hard I am trying to convince people, only a few would really understand. I wonder, if somebody would even bother to read such nonsense paragraph of my tortured and jailed minds. What about you? Did you even bother to read?



p.s it's 2.53 am already, better off to sleep, IT IS Monday. By the way I am open with friendly discussion via email I hope we can be a good friends~^^

Serendipity

"...I am feeling like my brain is freezing or lagging or whatever you called it, my minds are scattering all over the floor that it had been squeezed and perpetually melted itself."

"...it was taken during a flight."

Hello! Here I am, still the same, dealing with bunch of school tasks and else. But I guess mine wasn't as complicated as your though. High school can be hard sometimes but it is great. Well, just great. Not too little, not too much. Just right. Now, I am in a point where I don't know what should I do. I still have probably like 9 remaining tasks I left behind. I tried to finished it but guess what, it didn't work as expected. I mean, yeah. I think I just lost the feeling to do those tasks now. I didn't force myself at all, otherwise I am feeling like I had done nothing but complaining. I am feeling like I didn't do any single thing. Or was it worth it? 

I also in a chapter of my Japanese lesson where I left all the pages blank because I am just too confused. The grammars are so complex that I don't understand what am I even doing. Like so confused. Literally, I am feeling like my English skill also decreasing gradually and so do; my Japanese, French and Korean didn't improved at all after all this time. I don't know why I am just so confused I am feeling like my brain is freezing or lagging or whatever you called it, my minds are scattering all over the floor that it had been squeezed and perpetually melted itself. 

Oh and about the picture above, it was taken during my flight to Jakarta on last Friday. I was given the opportunity to visit the Embassy of Georgia because I won an essay competition held by Leavco and the embassy as well. I had a great time with other winners too even though I was still the same, being awkward on starting up a conversation. I have never been good at conversations and expressing feelings verbally. But other than that, I am feeling so grateful to get this opportunity, even the Embassy of Georgia said my essay was the best among all. Still, I don't think it is good enough, each of essay has its own uniqueness comparing to mine. 

By the way, I am feeling so grateful for everyone who always standing beside me through the ups and downs in life and painting my life with different colors. Thanks for everyone who hasn't give up by my mood swings and/or my weird behaviors towards everything in this world or to deal with my freak obsession some people would never understand. Like ever. At some time, I really find it hard or weird to get myself rely on someone but again, truth be told and food be sold. (What was the last line stands for, duh)

I am so hungry, bye.

練習(れんしゅう) (//∇//)

おはようございますみんあさん!

今日は、1時41分、私は日本語で書きます。どうして? 私は空き時間に日本語を勉強しています。 日本語をれんしゅうするひつようがあります!  しかし、日本語を少しだけ話せます。とてもすこしです。むずかしいですけど、とても楽しいけいけんです。ごめんあさい! でも、私は嬉しいです。日本での私のともだちは日本語で私をたすけて、ありがとうございますりざちゃん! 私はかのじょのいもうとです、かのじょはいいました。かのじょはしんせつです。かのじょのねこはかわいいですね、なまえはヴァニラです。だいすきだよう! 日本はすばらしいくにです、いつか日本をおとずれたい。にほんごがすきです(for the sake of anime and japanese server online games!! And kiritokun!!!) (笑) 私の日本語はへたです。かんじはとてもむずかしいです(I haven't even finished memorizing all the kana)! Here goes finally giving up and wrote in eigo. はい、さよなら !

TMI Tag (Trop d'Informations)! 50 Questions Personelles

Salut, minna-san mes amis! (If only you considered me as one *pout*) 

Aujourd'hui, J'ai décidé de faire le TMI tag en Français! Pourquoi? Parce que... Je suis tellement mauvais en Français, donc Je dois apprendre. Actually, c'est un tag qui est assez fréquent sur Youtube and it's quite long actually, 50 questions!! Basically the questions you wouldn't want to read. Trop d'informations, it is. Il est sans importance mais si vous vous ennoyez, alors il est bon. Probablement. Despite that, I had noted to myself that I'll definitely laugh at myself in the next few months regarding to this weirdness. (Convincing myself that I just sacrificed my dignity).  Sou desu... voici les questions!

1. Qu'est-ce que tu portes ? Je porte une chemises pyjama, chez moi (it's 3.08 am if you're wondering)!
2. As-tu déjà été amoureuse ? Oui. Hahaha. What is this.

3. As-tu déjà eu une horrible rupture ? Je n'ai un copain depuis ma naissance.

4. Quelle est ta taille ? Je mesure 1m68, the last time I checked.

5. Quel est ton poids ? 5 fois 9, Je dois prendre du poids. Je sais *le cri*

6. Des tatouages ? Non.

7. Des piercings ? Non, même pas les oreilles. Il sera vire au rouge.

8. OTP ? A true pairing? Je ne comprends pas trop la question, mais J'aime beaucoup Kirito-kun et Asuna-San dans l'anime Sword Art Online ( ソードアート・オンライン)! ホント大好き です!

9. Série préférée ? Teen Wolf, oui.

10. Groupe préféré ? Paramore et Against The Current, definitely!

11. Quelque chose qui te manque ? Enfance et de vieux amis.

12. Chanson préférée ? En ce moment J'aime chanson l'anime (learn Japanese through this too!) mais I basically...chanson aléatoire.

13. Quel âge as-tu ? J'ai 16ans.

14. Signe du zodiaque ? Je ne crois pas du zodiaque.

15. Qualité que tu recherches chez ton partenaire ? Il doit religieuse, et...un peu bizzare. J'aime ça.

16. Citation préférée ? "You chase the Dunya when it was meant as a punishment for Adam." Hasan al-Basri

17. Acteur favori ? Johnny Depp. Qui d'autre a de nombreux visages (in a good way), comme lui?

18. Couleur préférée ? Bleu.

19. Loud music or soft ? Tout dépend.

20. Où vas-tu quand tu es triste ? La tahzan innalaha ma'ana.

21. Combien de temps restes-tu dans la douche ? 5 min quand je ne me lave pas les cheveux until unlimited time.

22. Combien de temps il te faut pour te préparer le matin ? 30 minutes.

23. T'es-tu déjà battue physiquement ? Quand je suis à l'école primaire, mais pas vraiment mauvais.

24. Turn on ? (qu'est-ce qui te fait craquer chez un homme) Leur personnalité et leur religion.

25. Turn off ? (qu'est-ce qui peut te déplaire complètement chez un homme) Si donnent trop d'attention, juste agir comme d'habitude.

26. La raison pour laquelle tu as rejoint Blog ? Au premier abord (2011 if I am not mistaken), d'améliorer mon anglais, écrire sur mes pensées absurdes. Mais maintenant, aussi améliorer mon Japonais et Français (I hope so)!

27. Peur ? God.

28. Dernière chose qui t'as fait pleuré ? C'est un secret sssh.

29. Dernière fois que tu as dit aimer quelqu'un ?  Mes parents. J'ai jamais fait à un gars.

30. La signification de ton pseudo Blog? Amortentia, un de nom de poison dans Harry Potter, c'est love potion à cause de infatuation ou obsession.

31. Que lis-tu en ce moment ? La littérature Islamique, et fictions dans Wattpad! (I cannot focus on one book, I would jump one to another)

32. Dernier livre que tu as lu ? L'histoire de la vie de Aisyah r.a

33. Dernière série regardée ? Return of Superman (Korean) compte aussi? Daehan Minguk Manse!

34. Dernière personne à qui tu as parlé ? Mon frère, Je lui ai dit de dormir.

35. La relation entre toi et la dernière personne à qui tu as envoyé un message ? C'est ma mére.

36. Nourriture préférée ? Pizza, qui ne pas? Et bebek and sambal bawang if you know!!!

37. Endroit que tu veux visiter ? Holy Mecca et Japon et Europe et partout!

38. Dernier endroit où tu étais ? L'ecole. Le me cri.

39. As-tu eu un coup de cœur/foudre ? Oui...écrasé dans la clôture. Baka.

40. Dernière fois que tu as embrassé quelqu'un ? Je embrassé ma mère.

41. Dernière fois que tu as été insulté ? Aujourd'hui, probably.

42. Goût préféré pour les bonbons ? Tous les types de bonbons!

43. De quel instrument joues-tu ? Piano et la guitar, mais pas bon.

44. Bijoux préféré ? Bague. Simplest.

45. Dernier sport auquel tu as participé ? Je suis mauvais en sport.

46. Dernière chanson que tu as chantée ? I'm Tyrannosaurus (공룡송 나는 야 폭군 티라노사우루스 Im Tyrannosaurus 티라노송) , car les triplets!

47. Phrase préférée pour draguer ? Je ne comprends paaaaas.

48. Est-ce que tu l'as déjà utilisé ? Quoi?

49. Dernière fois que tu t'es disputé avec quelqu'un?  Avec mon petit frère il parle trop fort quand je dors ..... 

50. Qui devrait ensuite répondre à ces questions ? Tyrannosaurusssss Rex!!!!1

Enfin terminé, excuse my mistakes!

Secrecy for The Sake of Solitude

"What we conceal is always more than what we dare confide."

So much what we live goes on inside. The diaries of grief, the tongue-tied aches of unacknowledged love are no less real. For having passed unsaid.What we conceal is always more than what we dare confide. Think of the letters that we write. Even though sometimes we realize that the world told us differently in a melancholy way. Left unspoken, tacenda. I thought it was a good deal. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

When did I become such a poet these days?

I was only talking about the beauty of unexpressed thoughts, and it turns out differently.

ばかなわたし

How's life been? No, no, it has nothing to do with the picture above nor the title, but I adore Haruki Murakami (村上 春樹) as much as his books~ which I believe is his soul as one. I probably not a poet or literature geek who has a thousand of collection and etc etc, but my huge admiration and honor towards classic literature may be bigger (or it takes the most) than modern writings nowadays. Classic literature has something that you can't find in any other genres, like it has its own true soul. Something called honesty and sincerity. There's something way bigger than it looks, hiding between every pages of solitude or between the spaces in one and another words. Something lighter than the air. Clearer than the water. Something that I couldn't describe in words. Something that are magical when you look upon the lines. Something that carried you away. Inevitably.

Nonetheless you might be asking why do I seem to use some Japanese characters here. Honestly I also have huge gigantic massive colossal excessive interest in languages. J'aime les langues! Exactly. For me, language is like a gate to another version of the world. You're not only going to learn how to speak or write in another language, but you also understand their way of thinking. Because when you speak in another language, it is like you switch some parts in your brain to their way of thinking. So I think language is amazing. Some people even consider me as a weirdo because I like to switch language when I speak, the words and phrases I personally don't understand myself. 私の友人に、ごめん. I just love how it sounds. Yesterday I thought that I should try to write in another languages other than English in order to improve my writing skill. My English isn't good either I recognize a lot of mistakes (it happens every single time I dare myself to read my previous posts, I forever be like "ew, what was I thinking!? Why do I write such things" and etc etc), but I'd like to try French and Japanese too as I believe that practice makes perfect, I hope so? I would love to write in Arabic, Russian, or a little German. But duh...my mind would completely messed up. Please tell me if I make mistakes!

Forthrightly, language is difficult. I want to cry sometimes.  あの。。。なかないIt's true that "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." thanks to bunch of animes, tv shows, and games that light up the whole day and keep remind me how important languages are. Beside that I really want to study abroad (beaucoup!), another goal of mine is to be able play online games in Japan server and to watch animes without subtitles. Sounds horrible, ne? Pas étonnant, je suis bizzare. Anyway there'll be mid-term exam this monday (time is running so fast, huh?) and that means games  and movie marathon all day long I have to study for the best. Bye.