Black Coffee

"The way I dove, starved all the fears and tasted all the thoughts I kept coiled beneath my bones. The way that bitterness flows through my dry throat. That's what I used to."

The door swung open as I walked in leading my tired feet to a vintage-looking coffee shop. I always come here every Sunday, at least twice a month. The waitress knew I'd come here and they will always have prepared a cup of green tea latte on their table with my name already written on it. I asked them why and they told me so that they can give it as soon as I come.

"Green tea latte, as always. Right, Miss?"

"I would like black coffee today. No sugar."

Her eyes grew bigger, trying to confirm what I just said. "No sugar, Miss? You've always had green tea latte." She let out a chuckled. I smiled and nodded yes. "Okay then. Size?"

"Tall venti in a grande cup. Please."

I've never had coffee in 17 years. I never liked the taste of coffee, I've never used to it. It is too strong and bitter for my tongue. I've always ordered a green tea latte with a cup of sugar, it was much much too sweet than bitter. It tasted more like a honeydew melon or something, but it was actually a green tea after a few sips. I don't know why do I am feeling like to have a black coffee, I am feeling like today is different and I should have something different.

"Black coffee, no sugar?" She looked unsure and frowned her thick eyebrows, feeling as worried as I may see. I arched a smile trying to look as obvious as I could until she felt assured enough and put it on my table along with a book I just bought and left. I gulped and eyed my first cup of coffee warily, a black coffee with no sugar to be precise. The fear-filled my empty stomach and it fills me with a very hesitant feeling. I checked the clock, 12:17, I was waiting for the small needle reach the twelve as I put my earphones on, lifted the cup. Weary with the burden of long-closed eyes, I took a sip with my eyes closed. And slumber. Exhaustion.

"....내 절망관 상관없이. 
무심하게도 아침은 날 깨우네...."

Roasted, ground, and brewed. It was rather breathtakingly beautiful. I like coffee, much better with no sugar in it. It was dark, bitter, and warm. I thought maybe it was a ritual of the cup, the spoon, the hot water, and the little heap of brown grit, the way they come together to form a nail I can hang the day on. It's something to do between being asleep and being awake. Now I know why people start their day with a morning coffee, how it makes me think about people, memories, and solitude in a form of tempted steam. For them who has no courage, that some feel is left unexpressed. Remain silent and unsaid. 

The way I dove, starved all the fears and tasted all the thoughts I kept coiled beneath my bones. The way that bitterness flows through my dry throat. That's what I used to. 

現在の音楽ジャンル (Current Music Genres)

I was never been into J-Pop and K-Pop all these years, I even underestimated their music because I basically don't understand what they were changchingchong about. Please don't get offended. I was always into western songs like Paramore, Arctic Monkeys, Against The Current, and etcetera (oh and Taylor Swift). Yeah yeah I know, I have been watching animes and I enjoyed their awesome soundtracks (as in SAO, Fullmetal Alchemist, Gintama, Psycho-Pass, Haikyuu!!, Tokyo Ghoul, etc) but I've never paid much attention to them as well as the western one. But hell yeaah, this last few months, I found out that their music is soooo dope!! I don't know whether it was because, in my opinion, western songs don't make any sense these days (and some music videos are considered inappropriate, you know) that somehow it kinda made me cringe for some reason. Or was it because I am currently learning Japanese and Korean? I don't know which one.

Some rookies group really caught my attention like Monsta X(몬스타엑스Trespass!!), Twice, and BTS, even though some old groups are still getting their own place. Their music is so good for dancing (I am so stiff, I can't dance) and their styles are pretty different like... so many colors here and there while the other is so manly themed but still cute idk. Even though I prefer the one in the form of a band, like Day6 (as in their song, "Congratulations", pretty much-caught feelings). Ahhaha omg I sounded like a K-popers. Laughing so hard. oMG WHY.

For J-Pop I am currently got my heart attached with ONE OK ROCK and SPYAIR, the fact that they produced really great music and the music videos are awesome.  And, I mean how could I resist their vocalist and bassist and drummer and guitarist?! I was looking forward to some Youtube videos in Japanese and I discovered both Japanese Rock Bands and clicked their dope MVs. And I was like... "Hey, I thought I've heard this song somewhere.", exactly, animes. The first thing that crossed my mind when I listened to ONE OK ROCK's was "Is it a Japanese band? Hmm.. or is it Sleeping with Sirens? All Time Low? *Japanese lyric showed up* Nah, it is J-pop.", their songs are mostly combined the Eigo and Nihongo perfectly, I could say that the pronunciation is almost perfect (They even reached 54M in "The Beginning" MV!). And it is even crazier that they sound better live than in the recordings. How can I not realized them earlier, duh... I was listening to Rockin' Out and amazed by how the MV was made, and then I jumped to Samurai Heart an OST for Gintama, to Imagination(イマジネーション) which is the OST for Haikyuu, and I jumped to 現状ディストラクション (Genjou Destruction), and the list goes on. Good job Japan, you never failed to amaze me. To be honest...it was so hard for me to decide which MV shall I pick for this post. Their music and videos are just...amazing. So.. here it is my current new addiction.

暇つぶし！

皆さんこんばんは！私です～！（需要じゃない）

上のタイトルのように～暇つぶしがあるので、私は日本語練習しますね。ランダムなものを書きます！　笑

最近に毎日は、私は食べるとき、学校でとき、家でとき、バスでとき、といろいろときは日本語勉強しますよ。毎日です。なぜだい？　私も知りませんね、それはおもしろいですね！それは難しいだけど、よく頭痛を感じます。そして、寄り多くの勉強、私の間違いを知っています。（これも間違って可能性が！）その直後、外国人友達に私が言ったことを覚えています。「なんで？！」とても恥ずかしいです。

ところで、なぜ猫の写真がありますか？「なんだっけ。。。」知らないも。えーと。。。猫が好きだから！あなたは、好きなの？　私は猫の好きなことがふわふわとかわいいです．私は猫を本当に持って痛いですが、両親が反対しています。だから、猫が持っていません。何かペットを持っていたいですけど。私の魚、ウサギ、クロコダイル、ハムスターがもう死んでいました。悲しい～　いろいろペットを持っていたいです。（なぜ私の代わりにペットについて書きました？）

学校？学校がどうですか？学校が。。。いつものように。それをしっていましたね～私はそれについて話す必要はありません。でも、日本大学ヲなりたいです！そのため、頑張ります！！笑

それじゃ～また

Serenity Radiance

Have you ever wondered

About the howling wind
Whistling sound encircles the horizon
Alpha and omega waves
Embrace soothing heats
Weeping thunder in a form of rains
And the metaphors within
And all the above
Are for the beauty of wanderlust


[10.1.2016-2.28am]

Conspiracy Theories

"The fact that some infinite number of parallel universes are exist. That we also have to accept the fact that there is no greater number of infinite number and its relevancy. And the concept of infinity itself is beautiful."

Sometimes I still don't understand the origin of life itself. How some people naturally built their own circles and their circles connected to another circle within their bigger circles. Somehow, it reminds me to the Theory of Parallel Universe, the possibilities and paradoxes that we might live in a multiverse. The complication and its mindblowing scientific facts. That there could be another universe with uncountable groups of galaxy superclusters. The fact that some infinite number of parallel universes are exist. That we also have to accept the fact that there is no greater number of infinite number and its relevancy. And the concept of infinity itself is beautiful on its own.

However, we can't separate it with the existency of Fermi Paradox; the apparent contradiction between high estimates of the probability of the existence of extraterrestrial civilization and humanity's lack of contact with, or evidence for, such civilizations. The possibility that there could be another civilization inside or outside our tiny Milky Way Galaxy. Exactly, and Drake Equation. Or that we should accept, that we are, the human, are the only civilization. The possibility that we might be the alien of our own planet. Smaller than the smallest atomic units. That we live in this entire massive universe itself(despite the fact that there possibly a multiverse), all alone.

Why am I thinking about this. My head. I might get aneurysms.

2015; not as a number

"I see people as a flower garden with a golden pot at the end of the rainbow, they seemed as if they are always happy and full of joy outside; and some other is a wrecked ship who survives through a lot of pain and tears, who screaming out of their lungs in silent for a help without even letting others know that they need one."

Assalamu'alaikum, may peace be upon you!

First thing first, I want to thank everyone who gave so many life experiences and contributed in my "2015" chapter with so many beautiful memories and lessons throughout the year. I also really appreciate everyone who sticks with me until now and understands the good and the bad in me. I am sorry that I've always been annoying and freak almost all the time. All gratitude for Allah, for the endless blessings and beautiful life, family, and friends. Alhamdulillah. I feel so bad that I still am a bad servant, a bad Muslim for everyone. I want to thank everyone who shares their life, cooking recipes(and its pictures! and vanilla's (cat) pictures sleeping all day long!), advises about life or my future education, and also those who helped me in learning new languages like Japanese, French, Russian, and Korean. You guys have inspired me so much, even though probably you don't read this post but I'll still mention it anyway. Good luck with everything and the future. Oh! I also want to thank someone who indirectly helps me learn about Islam even deeper more than I used to know before, you probably don't expect this, and no, I wouldn't be bored by the questions anyway. May Allah makes it easier for you and I hope you will see the light soon. Thanks for those who leave comments and follow this nonsense blog, I really appreciate that! Whoa... it sounds like a Grammy award speech hahaha. I probably also did hurt people by my mean words and sarcasm, I am sorry okay? I said that with a full honesty though Hahaha kidding. No, I mean it.

So many things happened last year and it took me a year to finally understand why some events occurred and somehow I just realize the relations between one to another from a person to another person. And I don't regret any single failures and mistakes that exist, it shaped me for what I am today. It helps me learn to understand different characters and personalities each people have and it will always be. I see people as a flower garden with a golden pot at the end of the rainbow, they seemed as if they are always happy and full of joy outside; and some other is a wrecked ship who survives through a lot of pain and tears, who screaming out of their lungs in silent for a help without even letting others know that they need one. But, even the "flower garden" type always have their wrecked and dark side, while the "wrecked ship" type basically prefers to hide their rainbow and flower garden somewhere deep inside their hearts. And every single one of them is beautiful for the way they are. Society sucks, don't let them tell you otherwise. I believe that everyone ever felt an emptiness at least once, just remember that cherry blossoms await in the future. Anyway, welcome 2016.

A Seacht Déag

"When you're seventeen at early twenties, that's the time you're trying to work out who you are. If you're trying to make some kind of artistic or creative impact, that's the age when you start to figure out how to do that." - Daniel Radcliffe

Well said, Potter Dan! Guess what kind of post I'd be writing each December? Exactly, adding one number to my age and guess what, someone has been recognized to be an official citizen. Say what? "Wow such a nonsense congratulations!". Thank you. Oh finally, my precious identity and driving license cards. My precious piece of paper. Then what's with that happy girl in winter picture and Dan's quote and you being seventeen years old anyway? Because hella dude it's frickin' SEVENTEEN! One more than sixteen, or seven more than ten. Err. No, no sweet seventeen please, I ain't sweet. I am seventeen. The good things about seventeen is that you’re not sixteen. Sixteen goes with the word sweet, and I am so far from sweet. Life at best is bittersweet. /Whip my hijab back and forth/

Seventeen, only comes once in a lifetime

Don't it just fly by wild and free

Goin' anyway the wind blew baby

Seventeen, livin' on crazy dreams

Rock and Roll and faded blue jeans

And standin' on the edge of everythin'

Seventeen

Tim McGraw

I am not as concerned about me either. Neither do I realize. But thinking about happiness, I came up with the word "smallpox"; if you catch it too soon, it can completely ruin your constitution. Such a nice choice of words. You are very welcome. Actually, my family and relatives had very low expectations of me, about me dreaming such dreams, and they really had a point. I am such a big problem at seventeen and throughout my whole life. Or even if I had a kid like me, I would have those same expectations.

"But you don't know this…seventeen never knows it. At seventeen dreams do satisfy because you think the realities are waiting for you further on. Now, Anne, don't look as if you were trying to understand. Seventeen can't understand." -L.M Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Thank you Madame Montgomery, my all time favorite author, to remind me that a seventeen years old would never understand. Well I hope I will be more critical and realistic to such issues. By the way, thanks a bunch for the wishes and gifts. And a special greeting for my five obnoxious friends whom I thought had forgotten about my birthday and all of sudden gave me such a shock by appearing in my room with birthday cake, gray balloons, and my gold paper you cut without my permission. Who posted my very embarrassing picture wearing mukena in school group. I hate you, because love is such a strong word.

Ew.

Scientifically Attractive

"I like people who ventures out mentally, people who like to have intellectual conversations with me, the type who actually tries to reach the corners of my mind and bring different parts of me that are hard for me to express. The part of me that I am afraid to show to the world because I am anxious for being called a freak because I have obsession to strange things to the eye of the world."

As you may already know based on certain scientific proofs that our brain works in mysterious ways. Surprisingly it tends to be more creative at night and that is why mostly I write posts like this at midnight. It's 1.43 am here, and I was just getting up after being lazy for the whole day, still, didn't finish my home works yet. As expected. I know I am undisciplined, I just found out another activities which I consider more interesting. I guess? I haven't do my art home works yet, gosh see I almost ended up complaining too much.

But here goes my chest feels lighter than before as if the burdens that weighed me these days have been lifted up. It did. Thank you for slapping me so hard to made me realize that I didn't know myself quite well and to know me better than myself. Now I realized where this pride brought me to. But then again I wasn't regret because hell dude it shaped me to who I am today and shouldn't we be grateful for it?

Anyway, as I got my mood back or your so called energized. Whatever. Allow me to share what I've learned in these last few weeks. I've been surrounded by multicultural diversity through my whole life even though I jumped to its activity approximately since I got my first Facebook account (dude, I got my first account when I was in grade 6!) Okay so let me tell you, I have this kinda strict parents. well they don't bite, I understand that it is just their way to love me as I am their only daughter, even though I have one brother too, but you guys already know how parents protect their daughter. Well and as a good daughter, I don't want to do something without my parents' permission, as far as I am concerned, I never did. Even though I know, some other things didn't really harm me. They have raised me this far, is it obvious?

Since then, I started to make friends with foreigners that few years later I decided to do snailmailing and postcrossing, etcetera. It always gives me some strange feeling whenever I received mail or packages from people in the other side of the world. I remember my very first letter was so short and I am feeling like my whole day brightened up. I learned so many things like their cultural norms, languages, signatured things from their country, until their personal opinions towards everything. I found it really amusing to know different thoughts. I learned how to deal with things I've never expected to deal with. Honestly I hate small talks, in outside I look like I don't know how to start a conversation and being all awkward wallflower doesn't know what to do, but once you get closer to me, you will never get rid of long paragraphs (Okay even though I have this one friend who is one level above me. Shut up, don't be cocky.) 

Talking about daily life is amusing sometimes, but in certain point sometimes we need to stop being dull minded people and start thinking about something differently. I like people who ventures out mentally, people who like to have intellectual conversations with me, the type who actually tries to reach the corners of my mind and bring different parts of me that are hard for me to express. The part of me that I am afraid to show to the world because I am anxious for being called a freak because I have obsession to strange things to the eye of the world. Or if I could say; I wanna talk about faraway galaxies, your opinion about how the universe was created, the meaning of life, death, atoms, aliens, your childhood, insecurities, and fears. I like people with depth, who tend to see the world by their own perspective. Who didn't see the world the way the media shows them. Twisted mind and memories. I would never get bored to this kind of people. Because they know how to live the life indeed.

As for myself, it is scientifically attractive. But you really have to know, I am not one of those people who are born smart-headed, I am so lazy and basic potato kind of girl, I am just having a big admiration towards intelligence. And that is it. We always attracted by the quality its possess, aren't we? Despite that, it sounds like a reciprocity of attraction, isn't it? Obviously. Psychologically, it is a term of phenomenon which reflects the notion that people feel better about themselves from the people who surrounded them with positive feelings. It works best naturally, correct or correct?

However, no matter how hard I am trying to convince people, only a few would really understand. I wonder, if somebody would even bother to read such nonsense paragraph of my tortured and jailed minds. What about you? Did you even bother to read?



p.s it's 2.53 am already, better off to sleep, IT IS Monday. By the way I am open with friendly discussion via email I hope we can be a good friends~^^

Serendipity

"...I am feeling like my brain is freezing or lagging or whatever you called it, my minds are scattering all over the floor that it had been squeezed and perpetually melted itself."

"...it was taken during a flight."

Hello! Here I am, still the same, dealing with bunch of school tasks and else. But I guess mine wasn't as complicated as your though. High school can be hard sometimes but it is great. Well, just great. Not too little, not too much. Just right. Now, I am in a point where I don't know what should I do. I still have probably like 9 remaining tasks I left behind. I tried to finished it but guess what, it didn't work as expected. I mean, yeah. I think I just lost the feeling to do those tasks now. I didn't force myself at all, otherwise I am feeling like I had done nothing but complaining. I am feeling like I didn't do any single thing. Or was it worth it? 

I also in a chapter of my Japanese lesson where I left all the pages blank because I am just too confused. The grammars are so complex that I don't understand what am I even doing. Like so confused. Literally, I am feeling like my English skill also decreasing gradually and so do; my Japanese, French and Korean didn't improved at all after all this time. I don't know why I am just so confused I am feeling like my brain is freezing or lagging or whatever you called it, my minds are scattering all over the floor that it had been squeezed and perpetually melted itself. 

Oh and about the picture above, it was taken during my flight to Jakarta on last Friday. I was given the opportunity to visit the Embassy of Georgia because I won an essay competition held by Leavco and the embassy as well. I had a great time with other winners too even though I was still the same, being awkward on starting up a conversation. I have never been good at conversations and expressing feelings verbally. But other than that, I am feeling so grateful to get this opportunity, even the Embassy of Georgia said my essay was the best among all. Still, I don't think it is good enough, each of essay has its own uniqueness comparing to mine. 

By the way, I am feeling so grateful for everyone who always standing beside me through the ups and downs in life and painting my life with different colors. Thanks for everyone who hasn't give up by my mood swings and/or my weird behaviors towards everything in this world or to deal with my freak obsession some people would never understand. Like ever. At some time, I really find it hard or weird to get myself rely on someone but again, truth be told and food be sold. (What was the last line stands for, duh)

I am so hungry, bye.

練習(れんしゅう) (//∇//)

おはようございますみんあさん!

今日は、1時41分、私は日本語で書きます。どうして? 私は空き時間に日本語を勉強しています。 日本語をれんしゅうするひつようがあります!  しかし、日本語を少しだけ話せます。とてもすこしです。むずかしいですけど、とても楽しいけいけんです。ごめんあさい! でも、私は嬉しいです。日本での私のともだちは日本語で私をたすけて、ありがとうございますりざちゃん! 私はかのじょのいもうとです、かのじょはいいました。かのじょはしんせつです。かのじょのねこはかわいいですね、なまえはヴァニラです。だいすきだよう! 日本はすばらしいくにです、いつか日本をおとずれたい。にほんごがすきです(for the sake of anime and japanese server online games!! And kiritokun!!!) (笑) 私の日本語はへたです。かんじはとてもむずかしいです(I haven't even finished memorizing all the kana)! Here goes finally giving up and wrote in eigo. はい、さよなら !