Trust Issues

I have a lot of trust issues. Every time I tried to trust people in the past, I've been let down, and now I thought it is easier and less painful to just rely on myself. I have always tried my best to see the good in others and expecting every single person in the world have a good intention. I've never thought that there is some evil in people (unless they have problems with their psychology or something). I've always believed that most people are good, and the pure evil ones only make up less than 2% in the world. 

I was really sure until I finally in this point where I questioned my own paradigms. Was I wrong? For expecting such thing from people? Do I really worth the trust..or am I just easy to be fooled at? Do people really broke their trust...or was I just disappointed? Was it only me...who assume the worst before it happened? Was it my fault..or was it, theirs? Do I really have trust issues...or was I just trying to avoid the pain? 

Even if I knew the answer, does it really matter? Does it really worth it?

And I've learned the hard way that never rely on anyone,

فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ إِنَّكَ عَلَى الْحَقِّ الْمُبِينِ

"So, rely upon Allah; indeed, you are upon the clear truth." Qur'an 27:79

وَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ وَكِيلًا

"And rely upon Allah, and Sufficient is Allah as Disposer of Affairs." Qur'an 33:3

And I am sorry to you...

And I ask for Allah's forgiveness.

That if I have a lot of mistakes, as I don't have the same pure heart as yours. Dear brothers and sisters, keep me in your prayer and I will keep you in my prayers, and if I did something wrong, please keep the ummah in our prayers...and ask for His guidance to keep us on the right path. To give us a sincere heart to forgive people. Ask Him to lift whatever burden...in our hearts.

Perhaps

It was nothing like sunbeam,

or a thick forest green

Not even a deep crystal clear blue,

in those sparks still glow

It was a pure and innocent all analyst couldn't care less

One thing I know that I was lost

Ought to be carried off by uncertain

Letting it in and being unaware of consequences

Lost in a world of a beautiful scene

Maybe I write too much outlandish poems

or read too many books

Where I find pleasure in string words

Spending hours pairing rhymes

To embrace my fictional world

into sentences that I don't even understand

But one thing that I know too well

In between transparent wave they've told me

That the seas and the forests envied you

For the world reflected inside yours

is not the world we used to know

Nobody ever bothered to tell you

They are hickory against deep mud oak

And when it meets sunlight they beam

Two perfect orbs the same shade as nature after it rains

burning with the light of a thousand suns

Bewitched in between my souls

Persuaded in matrimony,

beholding as I was going away

Don't think it was too much, it was just a metaphor

Just a little to believe in realism, soon be drenched away

What do I know of bone-deep lonely, 

of the beautiful freeze, 

of a running circuit through the stars 

until all landmarks are my own staring eyes

Or maybe I am scientist, 

staring deep through a telescope

Convex lens collects light and focuses it

into a distant galaxy 

that has not had the chance, 

to be named

And perhaps you should know,
in between uncertain lines somehow I wished
that I still do

[17.8.2016]

My 7 Favorite Japanese Youtubers: How I Learned Japanese in a Fun Way!

I've been learning Japanese for almost a year and I still am not fluent yet (anyone could you please tell me how it is done pls?!). My kanji writing, especially, is still soooo poor. Remembering strokes and its onyomi & kunyomi are like the hardest challenge in learning Japanese (well, even though I love kanjis!!). So does my speaking. Self-studying is difficult, I admit. But it's fun and enjoyable as long as you spend your time in a fun way. I've always been a fan of Youtubers and I watched Japanese and Korean youtubers to help me learn those languages, and today I would like to share my 7 favorite Japanese Youtubers!!!! Well, some are non-Japanese but they speak Japanese and live in Japan as well. So, here it is:

MissHanake

Hannah is my first non-Japanese-who-learns-Japanese Youtubers who I discovered loooong time ago before I discover another Japanese Youtubers. And I am grateful that I found her channel! I keeping up with her videos from the very start when she speaks very basic Japanese (in which that time I didn't understand any single word!) and now she speaks veryveryvery fluently! She even got into a newspaper for getting the highest score on Japanese exam. The thing is...she self-studied!! She is a British (I love British accent! wingardium leviosar.................) but she also speaks German, French, Latin and Dutch. Which is amazing. Now she is an Oxford student majoring in Japanese language if I am not mistaken. She inspired me so much!

Mimei

Mimei comes from New Zealand and she went to Japan in 2009 to study, I guess. She is a wife of Duncan (see below) and a mother of two little scottish fold rascals, Cinnamon and Latte! My favorite videos are her collaboration with Mahoto-chan as they are just so adorable!! I recommend you to watch the Interviewing Youtuber series and basically just watch. All. Of. Them. Oh and I really loveeee her hair.

PDRさん

I discovered Duncan a.k.a PDRさん after watching Mimei's channel and it showed up in my recommended videos bar. I was shocked to know that they are married already! His videos are mainly nonsense jokes but so funny (some are pretty rude and harsh and disgusting and contains a lot of dirty jokes but yeah). But he is so creative and actually just weird after all, but his weirdness is goldddddd. And I love it that way! Anyway, Mimei and Duncan have another channel for both of them -> BACOUPLE. (Relationship jokes goal?) lol

はじめしゃちょーHajime

Hajime's videos are basically wasting everything and talking so fast without spaces. He is a real nihonjin a.k.a Japanese. One time he bought tons of coca colas and mentos and poured it all in a bath tub, wanted to know whether it will explode or not (I was hoping I could see that scene though it didn't happen lol). And the other time he bought clays or just doing whatever he likes. I first discovered him from Mimei's channel too, where she interviewed Youtubers and there comes out this creature who makes me laugh even in the very first introduction. 

DoudemoMIRA

DoudemoMIRA a.k.a Kanadajin3 (her English channel), basically also a non-Japanese Youtuber but she lived in Japan. I don't know her much as I am not often watch her videos. But she likes to express her opinions toward issues in Japan and her daily life. I love her accent idk why it sounds so cute and unique and she is so kawaii!

MAHOTO

He is a real Japanese also!! His videos are just as weird as PDRさん, Mimei, and Hajime. Omg their circles. So nonsense and weird, but...I managed to watch the videos till the end (what did I do with my life). At least he is so cute and he got dimples when he smiles #uhwhat. He often showed up in Mimei and Duncan's channel, you should watch him speaking engrishu!!

KemushiChanロレッタ

She is also a non-Japanese Youtubers........I just realized that most of the Youtubers I recommend are basically foreigners?! Hahaha okay. I enjoyed her videos, and she shares a lot of information. I just realized that she hanged out with Mimei lately!

Actually I still have a long list of Japanese Youtubers such as Micaela ミカエラ, くまみき/Kumamiki, バイリンガール英会話 | Bilingirl Chika, HIKAKIN, and many more. But, they are my favorite (and basically just comes out from the same circle xD)

So, what do you guys think about them? ^^

Welcoming August

It had been two weeks since school started on June 18th. Now, I am on my last year in high school, twelfth grade. I really don't have any idea of what should I write now, so I am just gonna tell you some random things like I always did. Hahahahhahahaha. I know, sorry. Anyway, for anyone who asked me about what are my future plans, as I am a twelfth grader now, sorry that I prefer to keep it to myself (and some closest friends) because I feel comfortable that way. And I think it's not really that important for you to know as it won't significant for you. Why and what would you like to know anyway? I wonder.

OH! I didn't post on July...I forgot. Happy Eid Mubarak for everyone!! So sorry that I didn't post anything Islamic related, something that I should've did.... I was so busy having quality time with my family in Jakarta, and I also met my main biatch for the very first time. Errr nah...not gonna tell you anything about this today. I miss you guys soooooo soo much. I forgot what happened in the past weeks. Gotta recall some more. I am so sad that Ramadhan passed quickly that I felt as if I wasted so much time. I prayed that Allah will give me another chance to live in the next next nexttttt Ramadhan with all of you. I love you guys so much.

It's a lie.

HAHAH jk.

I started a new journal lately and I am so happy about it that I felt as if it gives such powers to keep me motivated. I love it so much that its covers are in tiffany blue and maroon. The papers are kraft paper if I am not mistaken, and I can use watercolors as it is pretty thick. I am planning to show you, but I am too lazy to take photographs. Maybe later. I said maybe. I've also been reading quite some books lately, not so many that you still can't consider me as a book nerd yet. I've also been planning to write book reviews to keep me remember what I just read...planning...but ya know. 

*walks away as I sniffing books*

Thoughts on Pride & Prejudice: why is it needed to blame Mr. Darcy's manner

Things shall not perish in a period of time unless we know the reason why. If I ever had a chance to sue anyone in this world, either fictional or real, I thought it would be a pleasure for me to sue our daringly charming Mr. Darcy from Pemberley. For he is responsible for my outlast decision and consideration in high expectations towards men, ever in the universe. Mr. Darcy is a perfect portrait of an ideal man any women would die for, well at least for those who understand this, or just me. Whatever. Unlike the others, he tends to stick in his own mind and personal principles rather than usual men we found in everyday life. Recently. Though.

“I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” 

I am falling in love with the words classic authors had invented, something that I would never find in modern books nowadays. I have always been admiring Jane Austen, as she is one of my favorite classic author along with L.M Montgomery and Hans Christian, for their books and beautiful poetic lines. Not until I had finished the series of beautiful unspoken love for the sake of pride and out willingly to sense each other's attraction in demeanor manner. It was rather difficult to choose something in between keeping the pride or losing it for awhile and left the guilt for years. Sometimes we even caught up in such moment where our prejudice is worth even more than anything we could ever ask. Not even in people's perception, whom I supposed to know nothing but daresay to speak up their unresponsible opinion, or perhaps... nonsense. Unfortunately to say that there is least people who are concerning in this issue. But rather the feeling of astonishing young ladies' deliberated minds in Georgian era still fascinated me the most. Very well-mannered in every aspects. 

I was watching Pride and Prejudice and I came across into a reasoning in which made my head spinning around. Terribly. Well, probably because of my obsession towards Mr. Darcy for his intelligence and gentlemanlike manner. As sophisticated as he is. What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant? As a brother, a landlord, a master, she considered how many people's happiness were in his guardianship!—how much of pleasure or pain was it in his power to bestow!—how much of good or evil must be done by him! Every idea that had been brought forward by the housekeeper was favourable to his character. Lucky Lizzie.

For he is, all anyone ever wants. Cold-headed, stubborn, efficient, and calm in crisis. In intellectual competence, in addition to other varying degrees of competence (wealth, humour, beauty, etc), and thus declares his love for you in an incredibly awkward manner. He doesn’t know how to express himself, and that’s endearing. And of course, lovely accent. Ardently. Doesn't he?

Or, again, it was just me who feel that way?

経験について

今日、私の経験についてお話ししたいと思います。８年前から、私は外国の友達を作るのが好きです。その時は、英語だけを話すことができました。英語だけを話したのに、すでに多くの友達と経験を得ました。外国の友達と話すことが楽しかったと思います。私たちは合ったことがありませんので、ほとんど毎日はメールを送りました。ある時はプレゼントを送りました。

正直に言うと。。私は日本について、長い時間前から、大好きです。でも、日本語はとても難しそうと思ったので、日本語学ぶことがありませんでした。私はオタクではないですけど、アニメと日本の歌が好きです。昨年まで、私の学校では日本交換留学生がありました。話したいな、でも話しできない！ぜんぜん日本語できませんでした。ある日、彼女と話しをすることを決めました。

「すみません。日本人ですか？」なぜ私はこのような質問をしたのかと思われます。私は日本語でアメリカ人に言わせれば、愚かなことだろう。

「えーと。。。あなたの名前は何ですか？」グーグルから、いくつかのフレーズを覚えました。

「へえー！日本語できますか？」彼女はびっくりしたように見えました。なぜなら私はそれをした最初の人でした。その後、彼女は複雑な何かを言ったことにびっくりしました。何してるの、何私をしますか。。。と思いました。質問がぜんぜん分からないので、私はすぐに英語で答えました。恥ずかしかったです！その日以来、私は「日本語を学びたいです！日本語に上手になりたい！」と思います。私はずっと独学で日本語を勉強しています。日本のことをもっと知りたいです。日本人の友達をたくさん作りたいという気持ちでした。でも、なかなか話ができないから、日本語でどう言うのか分かりません。

四か月後、私は少し日本語をできます。私はどこでも日本語話せるようにしようしています。私は食べるとき、学校でとき、家でとき、バスでとき、といろいろときは日本語勉強しています。私の友達は「あなたは日本語を話す停止することができませんか？日本語分かりません！」と言いました。家で私が何かを言ったときに、私の両親は　「何ですか？？」と言いました。多分私はたくさんのことを言いました。

お母さんは私が日本語を学んだことを知っているから、私は９日２月に仮面ライダーを合いました！私は「これは私のチャンスです！私は日本語を練習します！」と言いました。行く前に、いっぱい文書を用意しました。私は渡部秀に「新劇の巨人の映画を見ました！」と言いました。これだけです。忘れてた！彼はかっこよかったです。

それから私は日本語がもっと上手になりたいと思いました。日本語を話すできる人ことが友達を作りました。友達は日本人だけでなくて、シンガポール人と韓国人そして台湾人があります。彼らは私にたくさんことを考えてくれました。私はとても幸せを感じています。いつまでも感謝の意を忘れません。

一部の人は外見を判断しますので、時々私は友達を作ることを恐れています。私はスカーフをしています。別の国からでもだれかが私に「イスラムだから。。嫌い！」と言ったがあります。びっくりしました。私は日本の好きな所は彼らの丁寧な文化です。日本人はとても親切と思います。たくさん日本人の友達を作りたいからいつか日本の大学で勉強をして。日本語を上手になりたいと思います。

#NewMyBlueBird: Pesan Taksi Lebih Gampang!

"My Blue Bird,

agar perjalananmu makin aman dan nyaman!"

Dengan semakin berkembangnya era globalisasi dan teknologi, semakin banyak perkembangan yang dilakukan untuk memudahkan kegiatan manusia hanya melalui genggaman tangan. Saat ini, smartphone sudah tidak hanya digunakan sebagai sarana komunikasi untuk telepon, sms, ataupun sosial media. Namun, dengan smartphone kita bisa memesan makanan, grocery-shopping, online shopping, bahkan untuk memesan sarana transportasi! Setiap hari kita tidak bisa lepas dengan yang namanya transportasi, entah untuk pergi ke kantor, sekolah, dan tempat-tempat lain. Transportasi umum kini menjadi salah satu pilihan yang mulai dilirik dan digemari masyarakat Indonesia. Alasannya bermacam-macam, ada yang memilih transportasi umum dengan alasan untuk mengurangi kemacetan, harga yang terjangkau, hingga kenyamanan di transportasi umum.

Semakin populernya transportasi di tengah masyarakat Indonesia, perusahaan-perusahaan transportasi semakin gencar melakukan upgrading untuk meningkatkan kenyamanan pelanggan dalam bertransportasi. Salah satunya adalah Blue Bird Group yang melakukan inovasi dengan meluncurkan sebuah aplikasi pemesanan taksi yang dinamakan My Blue Bird. Armada taksi biru ini terkenal dengan pelayanan yang berkualitas tinggi dalam melakukan mobilitas dari satu tempat ke tempat yang lain. Untuk menjaga kepercayaan pelanggan, Blue Bird selalu mengupgrade pelayanan-pelayanannya untuk meningkatkan kenyamanan dan memanjakan pelanggan. Selama saya menjadi pelanggan Blue Bird, saya belum pernah mengalami kejadian yang tidak mengenakkan, justru saya sangat puas dengan pelayanan yang diberikan. Bahkan beberapa kali naik taksi Blue Bird saya belajar banyak dari percakapan dengan driver.

Blue Bird merilis aplikasi berbasi Taxi Mobile Reservation pada  tahun 2011, kemudian Blue Bird mulai mengembangkan aplikasi My Blue Bird pada bulan Desember 2015. Aplikasi Blue Bird ini sudah dirilis dan saat ini dapat diakses di 6 kota besar di Indonesia, yaitu: Jakarta, Semarang, Medan, Bali, Surabaya, dan Bandung. Dulu, kalau mau pesan taksi harus menelepon customer service Blue Bird ke (0274) 641 1234. Nah, kalau sekarang pemesanan taksi jadi lebih mudah karena adanya aplikasi My Blue Bird! Karena integritasnya yang tinggi, baru-baru ini Blue Bird menambahkan 6 Fitur Baru lho, tentunya agar perjalananmu makin nyaman dan aman!

Apa saja fiturnya? Mari kita simak!

미안해

それを言うべきじゃなかった
何かを言ったことに分からないから
それを言った、私が尋ねた

ごめんなさい
私のせいです
尋ねるために残念だった

泣かないでください
あきらめないでください
私と話する、ありがとう

[Day 7] What is the hardest thing I've ever experienced

"I thought the hardest thing in life is about going through pain and heartbreak, when people started to say 'you can't forget your first love', then why do people forget their parents?"

I was pretty confused because...I don't know what is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I am not even experienced yet. I never see something like a burden to me. There is always ups and downs and life, and that's just how life is. People said the biggest challenge in life is marriage. I haven't experienced it yet, and I don't know if my experiences are enough to call me experienced. As a 17 years old who knows nothing about the world and have zero experience in life, I'll try to sort it out.

I thought the hardest thing in life is surviving for school, but it's not as hard as the homeless who survived on the road every day. I thought the hardest thing in life is choosing a restaurant to eat, but there are still unlucky people who don't know whether they will eat or not tomorrow. Survive from school is not that vital. I thought the hardest thing in life is saying hello and goodbye, but it's much better than never try to make a move. I thought the hardest thing in life is choosing to risk it all or walk away. I thought the hardest thing in life is deciding whether to give up or just try harder. I thought the hardest thing in life is pretending, but I am doing it quite well.

I thought the hardest thing in life is loving ourselves, but loving Allah and His messenger need a pure and sincere heart. I thought the hardest thing in life is the disappointment of failing on exams, but it is not as big as the disappointment of the parents who sees their kids leaving them as they grow up. I thought the hardest thing in life is about going through pain and heartbreak when people started to say you can't forget your first love, then why do people forget their parents? I am feeling so guilty for my parents, I've never been good doing my job as a daughter. 

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. I think these are the major thing to perceive the meaning of life. Whether something is hard or easy, it depends on how people see it. Well, back to it again, everything in life always depended on our choice. To love or not to love, to care or not to care, to give or not to give, and the list goes on. Just remember one thing, no matter how hard life gets, Allah will make everything beautiful at the right place and the right time. 

[Day 6] How I come across Blogspot and how my life has changed since joining

"I know, that someday I'll laugh at this posts and feel stupid after all. But, I just want to create the best memories I can. I want to remind myself, that through the hard times in life, we should always share happiness and joy within ourselves."

Okay so let's just forget about how many days I skipped, I'll just get going with the challenge~^^;;;
Warning! It's gonna be a long post!

I started blogging since I was in grade 6 in elementary school, that was the moment when I've always nagged my mom and dad to give me my personal email account and sign me up for facebook which most of my friends already had. My parents said I couldn't have it yet because my age was still under the minimum requirement and I keep asking for it by saying, "my friends already have it, why can't I?". Internet was new thing these days and parents were aware of this issue, you know child kidnapping and etc. Some of them even made one without telling their parents. I don't even know why am I even feeling so scared to break the rules, the fact that I've never felt under pressure, they never mad or screamed at me.

So when my friends are talking about what was happening on facebook and etc how the post on each other walls and stuff (now it sounds ridiculous, why do I even nagged for it), I just keep listening and "whoa." while my parents keep saying no so I thought, well maybe it's just not this time. I've never tried to break the rules, I was kinda obedient these days. Like most children, who has not even through puberty yet, I've always curious about everything and I just want to try everrrrrything. And there comes a day when my mother gave me one, and the rule is she must know everything that I do on the internet. I didn't know why back then and I just agreed since my mind already conceiving new things I'll discover soon. Well, I just realized that everything they did for me was for good and my safety. I don't know if internet can be this harmful and useful at the same time, it depends.

The url never changed since the very first day, it's still the same. I remember the first blog layout was magenta pink and titled "Febby's world" (uh-huh what). Ok, my world. And I felt as if I have my new own space to pour my thoughts about everything. I used to write short stories and personal experiences (I still do). I made friends with those who were crazy over HSM (High School Musical)!! HSM was so lit and our forever otp was Troy and Gabriella and that's it! My blogger friends; Eno, who is my chairmate and my crazy-over-hsm-and-astronomy friend since elementary school; Mbak Keisha Lyubiana (and Katya, Astrid, Amel if you still remember me!), I nearly choked when re-read our decent emails about hsm and blogger things; Athaya Syafadira, who is always been an amazing person! I always envied you because you've travelled in a lot of places! Hehe; Margaretha Lie, I don't know if you still remember me, you are famous now and have grown to be a veryyy beautiful and stylish person! If you remember how decent you was in our emeil conversation, I also really enjoyed different religion kind of conversation back then; and my childhood internet friends whom I cannot mention one by one. I love you guys, a lot!

Then I stopped blogging for one or two years because I just don't know what to post anymore. And I came back after a few years decided to do something else started by changed its title to "A Hot Marshmallow" and a few changes for the background and widgets. The title, I don't have any idea why I picked that hot marshmallow whatsoever, I think I was just inspired by Diana Rikasari's hot chocolate and mint. I started to blog with my very poor English ability, to improve my English and self-improvement. I really adore Evita Nuh! Her English and French ability, her sense towards fashion, her personal life basically, and her everything that she accomplished at such a young age; 12 years old! I achieved nothing when I was her age, she is even one year younger than me. She inspired me a lot and I thought I  should do that too!

I also joined a lot of blog giveaways after I found out Kak Elsa and Dija's blog! I joined my very first giveaway held by Kak Elsa, and I won! I won it and be the youngest participant, I was sooo happy. The giveaway was to write a letter for Dija, so that she can read it in the future, when she turns 17. Kak Elsa is really sweet and amazing person!! Hahaha, and now Dija has grown sooo beautiful as always. And there came a time when I suddenly get a few proposals for endorsements and sponsorship for this blog, I've never imagined it before. My first giveaway was sponsored by one of the international glasses company, it wasn't that big but I felt so content to finally held a giveaway. This experiences taught me a lot on how to negotiate for a quite long time with a company from another country before we finally deal with each other's agreement. I had no experience on how to negotiate, nor to write formal emails, with my very basic English understanding. I barely remember what I did.

I don't remember exactly when did I changed the title to Amortentia, I was inspired by the potions in Harry Potter and I thought it sounds cool. So I made a few changes again. I am feeling like my English has gotten better, not good, just better. And until now, I am still keeping up with my main goal, self-improvement. Now, this is also a place for me to share whatever is going on in my life, my random thoughts, Islamic related things, and also to practice my language skills other than English. I know, that someday I'll laugh at this posts and feel stupid after all. But, I just want to create the best memories I can. I want to remind myself, that through the hard times in life, we should always share happiness and joy within ourselves.

Through the stop and continue in blogging. At times, I am feeling like "well, no one would read this anyway", but I don't really care because I just love to write and my main goal still is a self-improvement on the first place!  I often reviewed my previous post, I laughed every time I re-read those childhood memories and old posts. How I was thinking my English was quite good, but the reality is I don't go anywhere (esp the post in 2013-less!). What a pity. I nearly cried (for laughing) to read my old posts. But, I don't regret it at all. No matter how many mistakes I made with the grammar or the content itself, my very basic knowledge towards everything, I am happy that I had gotten this awareness in such a fairly young age.