Portia, to the Knight.

[Sunday, 17th November 1986. 11:34 pm. Location: unidentified, yet]

I built a wall, a fortress so high, that keeps me a prisoner of my own mind. I came back to the day where I've been told all the pretty things you think I need to hear. You're right, they wind themselves around my ears and brittle bones; creating a new flesh of me. But you're wrong too, it didn't affect me the way you thought. Had you ever been straightforward, I would not have stepped any further.

We are two muted gray figures of a silhouette, stopped between two panels of lights. To the fingers dancing past 2 a.m. I told you I wasn't into it I was a denial, but you dragged me along until I drowned in a sea of lures. I was spellbounded! Captivated! Enchanted!

You told me once, "Amor vincit omnia", and the time stopped for a while.

Someone should have reminded me, not to fall in love or fall in fools (I am not quite sure); for I have, and wounded my knee into benevolent promises. I struggled to orbit, freaking lost my axis.

After all that happened, I decided to build the walls even higher than I could ever imagine. I regret the things I have said upon the blisters. Sometimes I talk to myself about the things I wish I could take back for I no longer have a chance to transmit the signals anymore. Now that it's gone, I just realised how much I need them.

Don't ask me to write a poem anymore. Believe me when I said all those things, I meant it. It's not that I hate the things that happened, but I hate myself for doing what I shouldn't. I blamed myself, I used to..

But then I remember why I started, and I know why it never worked out with anyone else.

The shadow behind your cape,
Portia.

Post-Graduation Reflection

Heheheheeee I am so excited. Oh finally, the day that I have always dreamed of since the first time I stepped on the yellow gate (which turned green eventually). Yeah, since the very first day. Pretty ironic I know. The thing is... I have always wanted to just get out of this place as soon as possible hehe but wouldn't I be such an ungrateful human-being? I used to think that choosing this school was the second-worst decision I've ever made in my life (sometimes I still do) but Allah showed me another way to make my life full of meanings. Mercy to Allah for His blessing that the days I spent my 3 years in high school filled with a lot of experiences, lessons, and a lot of skipped class (and research's lab activities!). The only thing that keeps me doing what I love. Alhamdulillah....

Oh. Haven't I told you? I graduated today!! YAY. I've never been this happy before. Errr..nope, I did too at the last graduation. Ehehee. Sorry, not sorry.

Talking about graduation makes me think about the old days I had spent my life in private school, how the teachers and school systems are so well-managed. The relationship between students-teachers-parents are glued and they cooperate to improve each individual's developments. Well, not to mention that it's pretty costly, but it does worth it. I am very much disappointed with the public school's schooling system, I just... really don't get the idea. In private school, I've always learned that teachers are our family who pushes us to learn about new things and develop curiosity. The first time I went to public school, I never knew, I was pretty shocked that the relationship between students and teachers (let alone the parents) is pretty...er how do I say it...unnatural and rather enmity? If I ever had the opportunity to change anything in my life, I would like to finish my 12 years of study in a private school. Despite all the circumstances, I won't regret the decision.

I remember myself doing my first-ever graduation speech as a representative of one of the private school's branch in front of Mr. Amien Rais, Indonesian political who owned the institution, even though my national exam was among the lowest. Going down the stage, Mr. Amien Rais greeted me and told me that my speech was amazing. As an elementary school student who values everything, I get so hyped by it, even though I know it doesn't have a meaning but it does affect me during the entire year. It has always been my problem. I never liked studying for grades but I love and enjoy learning that I could stay up all night to read my favorite books. Well, it's my fault though, dumping things away that I think isn't that important is one of my hobbies. Just kidding! Grades are important hahaha I am just that ignorant.

Thinking about the past today, I realized how much I have developed and changed. Both good and bad. I could feel the dynamics in my way of thinking and life's principles. Well, things are though and there are a few things I regret that I did. But so what? There always comes a lesson in every hardship. At least, now I have graduated... I am not that bright of a student no matter how hard I tried, I could never make it as a center of my focus, but I know for sure that the other things going around unnoticed are pretty much my thing. I cannot wait for the opportunities ahead, I wish it will be another good decision. See you.

The things that fall

Knock knock;

Once upon a time, a peaceful day bright blue skies

A poem lovely as a tree, clinging the warmth upon the ties

Shivering birds beneath the eaves, leaps laughing the quite hill

2 a.m of sleepless nights, dance beneath the stars

I discovered constellations I have yet to find

"...as the plant that never blooms, but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers."

Things that fall: petals, snowflakes, sparks, shadows

Tick tock;

The blue gone grey, past the glow of your lamp

Day is cold, dark, and dreary; it rains and the wind is never weary

Rain falls a few drops, sliding down your window

To the wet soil it sinks in, let the thunder overtakes

Burst out in a heavy storm, against the glass

The moon split in half and the stars crumbled

"I'm just bones and questions and leave me for something solid."

Things that fall: stars, eyelids, teardrops, snowflakes

Stop stop;

Dark days have been told, stumbling upon a holy clock

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining

The time has come, for I built the walls around

Though it carved, into my veins

I draw the line of determination of desperation

"...straightforwardly, without complexities or pride."

Poems are made by fools like me, in some days that must be dark and dreary

And all the things that fall: are the things that fall towards gravity, 

and I.


[15.03.17, 4.11 p.m]

Do you not understand?

I am drained. Mentally.
No one would understand the struggle and the pain I have kept all alone. I just want to get out of this place as soon as possible. You can play the victim as you like. But you would never get the chance to convince me. I am tired but I keep the social norm. I could get real deep but inauthenticity is never tolerable. It's perfectly imperfectly sound and reasonable. For every principal that I have, there's a reason behind it. People just aren't ready or their standards are just way too low. Too shallow. Do you not understand? Is it too hard for you to discover? Or are you just too stupid to realize? That's a shame, buddy. You'd better keep yourself shut. Sorry, but you are very welcome to leave.

"Hey Boo," she said

August 1989

The wind blew in a circular motion forming an acceleration of a thin whistle. Just in the right speed. The clouds stayed in its place, always out of my reach. The sun photons always consistent emitted its ray out of the space from day to day. Reaching the small holes of the clouds through the white-cast of enchanting sparks. The moon, on its turn to play hide and seek, it exists but unseen. The stars too, I mean the other star farther than the sun, they were hiding between invisible-cloak like skies.

"Hey Boo," She said, stretching her hand out of her pocket and took out an opened can of tuna. Two tuna to be precise, each for two cats standing before her. The cats made their way to the can and licked the flesh hesitantly. One lick, two licks... three licks. Until they are sure enough it doesn't contain anything that would have killed them in seconds. 

"Eat well, Boo,"  Their small ears reached the ground, itchy maybe? They ate it all in less that two minutes, the young girl chuckled, "I should have brought you two cans, eh, or three? But that's enough for today my friends, I'll bring you more tomorrow." she caressed their soft furs, a combination of a brown, white, and black dotted whatever pattern. She played with them a few minutes before she stood up and left. The cats were following her, although she told them to stop. Well, they did stop, but followed her again, rubbed their puffy cheeks on each of her legs. Begging and acting cute, don't want her to leave the place. Just like me.

I was observing her since the 5th day, two weeks after I caught her glance. I am scary, no, I am just... observing. I still remember how she looked that day, looking innocent and always put the smile on her face. A smile that anyone would die for, well at least for me. She always looks happy, wherever she is, around her friends or even with the cats. I don't think she ever realized that. I wonder if she ever been sad, though.

She looks as if she has all the angels cheering up for her when time gets rough or things get harsh. My life too, but she is 93% percent of stardust, heaven-made human. Earth is too tough for her. Even being a guy like me, the earth is still too tough. I don't even think she is made for this world, perhaps she was brought to a wrong place?

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Oh anyway, 'the story series' POV always changed from time to time, that's why you might be confused. Whose POV? Your guess. Have fun figuring out which:))) lol

De ce terrible paysage, tel que jamais mortel n'en vit...

"Quand on veut une chose, tout l'Univers conspire à nous permettre de réaliser notre rêve." -Paulo Coelho

Sometimes I am not even sure if I have chosen the right path, nor do I know if I have made a wrong decision or if it's just because I am worried about everything...basically presque tout. Just looking at my timelines, all those possibilities, and chances ahead make me dread the future so much. I always feel like I have done nothing sufficient enough. I know what I want in life and how to achieve it. I have my faith and I am so well aware that every single thing in life happens at the right time and the right place. But insecurity never leaves its place and haunts me in the dark to find its light. I don't want to look back and regret what I have done today, yet I still am doing nothing ever good enough. Nevermind I shall study though...

Shields

I stood amid the roar; upon the flames
Opened the door in answer to a knock
Souls went deep in visions of lone acre enchantments
I found you by the eyes within the approaching dark
The brains denied, nul besoin de paroles
I stepped aside but there is nowhere to go
Nonetheless I have found my home
I am no coming back
Et ex mente tota; semper fidelis.

[1.03.2017 - f.a]

Regrets

It's five years from now. The day when the old friend re-united, the girl was holding a pile of books from library and the guy was casual in plaid shirt. It feels like the good old days...

"How are you?"

"It has been a long time... very good.  You?"

"Yeah.." He tapped his shoe on the floor, "Do you remember everything I told you before? About how much I admire you?" I knew it... I knew it... But she keeps her heads up, holding her pride as high as she could.

There was a distant silence between both of them as if a wall of bricks just block their way from each other, "No, but I remember every word you said since you left.", said her pride, breaking the silence like a shattered glass.

"It's too late, isn't it?" She knew he had been looking at her hand just now; in which there lies silver ring upon her finger. He forced a smile as she looked away, holding her tears from streaming down her cheeks. She bit her lower lips as her eyes trembled. She bet herself her face must have turned as red as beet. She knew if she didn't she must have been crying for thousand years.

"Can I ask you a question?" His tone laden with resignation.

She nodded, even though she wasn't even sure if she, herself, is ready to hear or answer whatever question he is about to ask. "Does a fool like me ever deserve a second chance?"

"Why?" A tear fell down her cheek, she wiped. "Why do they need a second chance anyway?" She muttered.

"I am a fool. Do I deserve a second chance?"

"I love him." No, she loves you. And she still does.

"You're lying." He couldn't believe what he just heard.

"Why would I lie for loving my fiancè? For pride? Huh?" Yes, dear.. for the sake of your pride. You lied.

He stood there in frozen motion. He stopped breathing for awhile trying to recall as much as he can to prove her as many clues. "Did you forget our promise? Never lie to each other ever again? To correct me whenever I do wrong?"

"I was being honest"

"You lied twice..." He knew.

"... I can't. It's too hard, too hurt."

"That is why..."

"Why now... I thought it was ended. And I never heard from you anywhere since that day. Now that I am about to marry him... you showed up."

"I was afraid... of rejections." She looked away, hands clutched. "Because you're my biggest fear."

"You should've told me a long time ago." And now that chasm between them felt even deeper and darker and bigger. There was no way for them to go back to how they were before.

"Congratulations."

"I am sorry."

But unlike him, she was sorry for the things unsaid and unresolved between them. For the things that she knew herself had been hiding from him, for she is also afraid for him to know that he is also her biggest fear. She turned around to clear her head, but it became more jumbled with each step she takes because she has been battling with questions that nobody has the answers to since a few years ago.

Disclaimer: don't worry it's just a fiction! I was inspired after seeing people on the road today lollll

Unboxing Packages !!

"And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' "

-Quran Ibrahim:7

Last month, I was super duper happy because a lot of packages came in the mail!! (It was a very good thing to begin new year, 2017 is my year kkk) Well, too bad I didn't take a picture because I was so hyped about it and didn't even think to make it as a blog post, well no one cares though. What I did everyday was waiting for my packages to come. I woke up thinking about where my packages are now, eating thinking about my babies flying in the aircraft on their way to their momma here. You know, I always love the feeling of receiving mails and stuffs since I have been snailmaling and sent postcards. Like you know.. that happy unexplainable feeling when you open the package and wondering what's inside (though you knew anyway), that is the best feeling ever. I think I am going to start snailmailing again after all these hectic days of exam pass. (Well I was running out of money because hella this hobby requires so much money, time, and creativity) Well, exams. This too shall pass. Screw you:(

I ordered a few stuffs (including 7 books and etc!!) and received a gift from Zenius. Alhamdulillah, I am one of the lucky Zenius user I guess. So many blessings.  Nonetheless, the book from Zenius is supeeer aesthetic and it really does satisfy my needs and thirst for astronomy. Thank you so muchhhh Zenius! Oh... and I am loving the tutor signsss, I sticked it on the wall to keep me reminded lol. Zenius tutors are the best teachers I've ever known. I will never forget them forever in my life. Oh so cliché but nevermind, I mean it. (Please refer to this blog post if you haven't read the article, here)

truth be told, everyone. we are all doomed.

"May the force will always be with you" - Love, Wilo

"Dare to question everything! And the light will shine upon you... Enjoy the ride ♥" - Sabda

"Keep exploring the world. Remember, not all who wander are lost. May you have a great journey." = Fanny Rofalina

"Thank you for believing in us!!" - Zenius  (Thank you for errrrthing!!)

Now, tell me how can I unlove Zenius if they had given me so much?

I also ordered a book from South Korea (ofc south not north u stupid) since the beginning of January too. However, I didn't get any notification after two weeks or so nor didn't get a hint of whether my books will be shipped or it gets lost somewhere. Finally I got a notification about the shipping process after waiting for a few weeks, meh. Well, at least it got here safely now! I've only read 1/3 part of the book so far since I am so lazy and so on, but this book shall finish before April. Why? Ya because why not lol kbye.

thank you Ahimsa Wardah! I love dinosaurs♥

열심히 공부해요!

I didn't manage to take and post every picture, but yeah, I think I am just going to post pictures of books. Lololol. Oh and mashaallah I almost forgotten... alhamdulillah, I would like to express my gratitude for the gifts and surprise on my birthday last year ^3^ I couldn't ask for anything better than your company and support throughout the year! Thank you for everyone who always be there for me, make me laugh from day to night, create wonderful moments, and teach me the meaning of this world, about our existence and purpose. Oh, and you. Thanks to you too, ehehe I mean all of you, and you though. Your existence is enough as a blessing for me. (Aw I am so sweet lmao) May Allah blesses you guys with happiness and success in the dunya and the hereafter. Mashaallah how ungrateful I have been these days... astaghfirullah.

"Being envious and jealous of others will rot your heart, 
ask Allah to increase His blessings upon them and you'll see your heart blossoms." - Saad Taslem

The Tale

pride and prejudice

And maybe it was more than that. Maybe it was actually an instant agreement between two young unspoken minds demanded to be understood by each other without ever saying it straightly. Selfish? I don't think so. "I have so much that I want to say to you, but I just don't know how to form it into words." Peter broke the silence between them.

I love you as certain dark things 

are to be loved, 

in secret, 

between the shadow and the soul.

Ursula gritted her teeth, fidgeting as she looked away, "Then, I don't have the right to ask you since it would cross our boundaries." Well, sometimes I hope you can just say whatever you want to say. The ears are not only to hear what we want to hear, sometimes it has to hear the things we don't want to hear. Just because we didn't say certain things, doesn't mean we don't feel them.

Thinking of it as a nonchalant act but it was way harder to know when and how it began. Even though both of them knew it never began. Worries dwell, the hearts swell. The old fellows parted away from each other amicably as their souls intertwined in despair.

_____
Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction.