My First Ramadhan in Korea - First Two Weeks

Busan Al Fatah Masjid

Assalamu'alaikum! Peace be upon you. 

Masha Allah Masha Allah.
I am so excited to write about this. It may be the first Ramadan abroad yet it feels like the best Ramadhan I've ever had so far. I have been waiting for Ramadan since a long time ago. I couldn't stop thinking how will I pass my first Ramadan abroad, far from parents, and as a minority. But ahamdulillah, Allah made it easier for me and insha'Allah always for the remaining years I'll be in Korea.

Before Ramadhan came, I made plans and monthly tracker of deeds and activities that I'll do for this month so that I can keep myself on track and don't lose motivation in halfway. I also went to E-Mart and Asian Mart to buy stocks and foods!! I spent quite a lot of money on foods, as always. Halal foods are rare and more expensive, but Insha'Allah if our intention is to complete the deen and please Allah, He will make it easier for us and give us more blessings! Nothing to regret :) 

Anyway, Ramadhan 2018 in Korea started from 16th of May. I am not fasting alone, there are quite a lot of Muslim friends in KGSP Batch at Silla University, maybe about ten and more. So, yea I am not alone.

_________________

First Day of Ramadan - 16th Night, First Taraweeh

The KMF announced the date, Ramadan mubarak! I went to the mosque to pray Taraweeh with 3 Indonesian friends, it takes about 1 hour to go to Busan Al-Fatah Masjid, Busan. As soon as we reached there, I saw a lot of people from all over the worlds: different race, different skin colors, different languages but one ummah, praying in the same way, the same direction, same prophet, and worshipping the same God. It felt amazing. Well, I went to the mosque quite a lot before Ramadan and meet foreigners too, but because it's Ramadan...it feels more and more more more amazing. There were sooo many people like...hundreds? MashaAllah. The 'Isha prayer starts from around 9 p.m and continued with Taraweeh prayer. We finished around 10 p.m and come back to our dorm.

Second Day - 17th, First day of fasting

The first day of fasting! There were like 6 people in my class who were also fasting. I broke my fast with my friends in one of the restaurants in our dorm. We also ate kurmas (dates fruit) that I bought at Asian Mart. Actually, I was planning to save the kurma for a few days, but the guys like it so much they ate it more than I did! lol. but that's okay xD. I didn't go to the mosque today, we just prayed in the Musholla in our building.

Third Day - 18th, Went to the Mosque

I went alone to the Mosque on Friday evening because the class ended earlier today! Thank God it's Friday!!! I was staying in the mosque for three days from Friday until Sunday because I want to feel the Ramadhan vibes hihiii. I was falling asleep so I went late, I had to break my fast in the subway (train), such experience. lol. As soon as I arrived in the mosque, I got to eat Indonesian foods T__T opor ayam !! Ahahaha bahagia.  

Fourth Day - 19th, One Ummah

MashaAllah, after Witr prayer the Moroccan woman beside me was crying so hard. We hugged her while talking with other sisters too. She explained why she was crying, she was really sad and heartbroken of the condition in our ummah today. At first, I didn't cry during Witr because I don't understand what it means -,- (huhu I wish I knew Arabic!) but as soon as I know... since the other girl from Egypt translate it into English (so we basically talk in English, Korean, and Arabic altogether) I started crying too :'( I just knew how it feels like to be in one ummah. It's so beautiful and ironic at the same time. We were saddened by the truth that we can pray, fast, and worship well, eat sehri and iftaar in peace, meanwhile, our brother and sisters in countries like Syria, Palestine, Bangladesh, Afghanistan, etc are suffering and barely eat enough for fasting. It hurts. It should have been hurt. 

An-Nu’man ibn Basheer reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The parable of the believers in their affection, mercy, and compassion for each other is that of a body. When any limb aches, the whole body reacts with sleeplessness and fever.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5665, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2586

Fifth Day - 20th, Cultural Events and First Salary!

Yesterday, after helping a little, very little in cooking and preparing for foods (I still can't cook well I need to learn T_T), one of the Indonesian lady asked me and my friend to join a cultural event near Haeundae beach. There will be like 44 countries participating in this event, so I thought why not? We prepared free foods up until 2 a.m, ate Sehri, and pray Fajr together. We took a rest for a few hours because we barely sleep at all and we had to go at 8 a.m, it took around 1 hour to Haeundae from our place.

So we prepared a lot of Indonesian foods to share for free: martabak, klepon, sagu mutiara, pempek, and even rendang ayam!! Masha'Allah. The temptation tho, we were fasting but we cooked and served Indonesian foods xD. We went at 8 a.m , arrived at 9 a.m, and finished by 3 p.m ! By the end of the event, without knowing, I was asked to sign on a paper...and I got my first salary! Really, Ramadan barakah. I didn't even know that we'll get paid for this my intention was only helping and participating in the event, and mashaAllah the amount of money given was quite a lot  for working less than 9 hours :))))

Sixth Day - 21th, Resting Day

I didn't go anywhere today, I was sooo tired because I lack sleep in the previous days (although it was worth it!). I had a really nice sleep at night and slept again as soon as the class finished. Ate the rendang daging that they gave me for iftaar.

Seventh Day - 22th, Moroccan and new foreign friends

Went to the masjid with Amira, helped with the cooking (just a little!). Ate chicken curry and Indonesian bakwan! HAahaha. After Taraweeh prayer, we got invited by the lady from the Moroccan restaurant to have some tea, chocolates, and cookies. Met Sumayya from Italy who shared her life as a traveller and her journey in learning languages. She said her goal is to speak 25 languages! We also met Rachel/Nisrin who is an American married to a Moroccan. Her journey towards Islam moved our hearts, it made us realized that Allah gives guidance to whoever He wants to :) We just arrived in the dorm at 12! Hahaha.

Eighth Day - 23th, Another chill day in the dorm

Class ends at 1 a.m and I slept a lot. Resting day.
Had my iftaar in the room with the food I kept because I am too lazy to go out :(

Ninth Day - 24th

I don't know I forgot -_-"a but alhamdulillah.

Tenth Day - 25th 
Had my iftar in the dorm again, Jum'ah mubarak!
Alhamdulillah.


Eleventh Day - 26th, Bangladesh
Went to the mosque. Ate Bangladesh foods (biryani rice, chickens, and idk?) with hundreds of Muslims. Made new friends! Staying overnight. Always love the feeling and atmosphere. I received an Eid gift (already?) from Mbak Nila, Iram's mom (Korean-Indonesian kid) alhamdulillahhhh.


Twelfth Day - 27th, Pakistani & Cukkumi
Tried pakoras? and other Pakistani foods. The mosque is always full every weekend, feels like a whole new family! I went out to eat cukkumi with Indonesians, it's a stir-fried octopus with satay-sate-like sauce and cheese-almond-pizza. Amazing.


Thirteenth Day - 28th, Imam Al Bukhari
Came back to my daily life routines and reality. Had my iftar with Amira, eat our favourite kyeran bab with cheese, milk, tuna, and kurmas. Alhamdulillah. I also learned about Imam Al-Bukhari and started to read "Summarized Shahih Al-Bukhari in Arabic-English" that I borrowed some time ago. Mesmerized!! MashaAllah may Allah always bless him. You can read his collection of authentic hadith too here https://sunnah.com/bukhari/1

Narrated 'Umar bin Al-Khattab:I heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) saying, "The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended. So whoever emigrated for worldly benefits or for a woman to marry, his emigration was for what he emigrated for."

Fourteenth Day - 29th, omg two weeks already????
OMG???? ALREADY??? WHY. SAD. :((((((((((( Nothing significant today, just another day to learn Korean up until 4 p.m. BUT. STILL. WHY. I don't want Ramadhan to end very soonnnnn :((((

Quick update: it was an amazing day MashAllah. After class, I went to climb the mountain behind our dorm with my Egyptian friend, Amira. We bought foods before and planning to just reflect and refresh our soul. We were talking about everything and listening to the Qur'an that I put in a high volume (since there's no people). We reflected a lot about how lucky we are and that Allah is so merciful. We listened to Al Mulk, Ar Rahman, and Ad Dhuha by Mouadh Ayachi and Muhammad Thaha. We realized how Allah has bestowed us with soooo many blessings... Mashaallah. Mashaallah. Now we see the sky in the different way, the universe as one creation of Allah, and how He is always taking care of us because He knows the best for us. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Don't Be Like Most People

We all know that everything that we do, our prayer, salah, staying away from alcohol, pork, and adultery aren't doing anything for Allah, that is for ourselves, it saves us from making a fool of ourselves. Nothing we do benefit Allah, he is Qiyamuhu Binafsihi, he is the Most-Great. Every single thing that He prohibits from us is for our own sake. It is out of Allah's love for us that He made it so that when you love Him and do something for Him you're in essence of loving yourself and benefitting from Him.

If you look for the words "most people" in the Qur'an, you will find that most people 

"do not know", 7:189,  "do not give thanks", 2:243, 

and "do not believe" 11:17. 

And if you look for "most of them", 

you will find that most of them are "defiantly disobedient", 5:59, 

"ignorant" 6:111,  "turning away" 21:24, "do not reason" 29:23, 

and "do not listen, 8:21.

Don't you want to be among the number of a few people? Dear brothers and sisters?:')

Narrated Anas:
The Prophet said:
“My Lord says, ‘If My slave comes nearer to me for a span, I go nearer to him for a cubit; and if he comes nearer to Me for a cubit, I go nearer to him for the span of outstretched arms; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running."

***

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: Allah the Almighty said:
"I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me.
If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and
if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an
assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw
near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at
speed."
It was related by al-Buhkari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).
Imam Nawawi’s 40 Hadith Qudsi

He loves us so much, don't you realize that?
May all of us are blessed in the upcoming Ramadhan. :)

p.s - few sources -

My First Month in Korea as a Muslim

"Think about your life and daily routines. 

What is the reason of your existence?

Are you meant to study half your life just to work the other half?

Be attached to people just to get your heart broken?

Get buried in the ground after all your worldly achievements,

like nothing ever happened?

Don't you think there's a purpose of your stay on earth?

Something that will result in what happens after your death?

Just stop for a while and think about it.

Perhaps you will realise life is nothing but a temporary illusion 

that fooled people into believing in the creation instead of the Creator.

There is more to your life. You have a much greater purpose.

Don't lose yourself by falling into delusions of this world.

Re-awaken your soul to its purpose. " 

- instagram.com/reminder_afterreminder -

February 19th, 2018, was the day when I arrived in Korea for the second time. If you're one of my readers, you know that I've visited Korea last year during vacation. But this time is different, now I am living in Korea as a KGSP student, university-student-to-be, a Muslimah in a strange country. I am currently studying the Korean language in Silla University before going to Korea University in Seoul, my dream university (for undergraduate, after Oxford University :p). It has been more than a month yet it still feels like a dream to me. I remember the days when I was in grade 12, I was holding my dreams so high every single day that I sometimes thought that I will never reach it. But Allah gave me so much more than I have ever wished for. 

"Be the kind of person who helps others

find the important things they've lost in life- their Deen, 

their smile, their hope, and their courage." 

My flight scheduled at 3 pm on Sunday, I needed to take three planes and two transfers: Jakarta-Singapore-Seoul-Busan. The NIIED (KGSP) bought the ticket for me so I couldn't change the schedule. I remembered, the day before my departure, I was having a fever and flu all of sudden. I was in very good condition before. I went to the hospital with my parents just because of the severe temperature in my body. We got the medicines, antibiotics, and etc just 4 hours before departure. I don't know if it's some kind of pre-home-sickness, nervousness or something but as soon as I arrived in Singapore, the fever is gone HAHAHAHA. Maybe the thought of leaving home was so overwhelming that I am feeling the pressure inside. I was worried whether I'll manage to survive in a harsh world of Korea and the bunch of obstacles that I will face academically, spiritually, physically, or socially, especially as a Muslimah, as a hijabi.

Did I feel any home-sickness, cultural shock, or anything? Surprisingly, no. It's more than a month already and I didn't cry even once. Yet? Idk. Yes, I did cry before leaving Indonesia, it's not because I am regretting my choice but as I said, the thought of living alone in an unknown world as a stranger is quite suffocating. But here I am, alhamdulillah. I do miss Indonesia, I miss my family, friends in deeds and deen!!! and ofc the foods (FOR THE SAKE OF SAMBAL BAWANG, AYAM PENYET, AYAM GEPREK AND NASI PADANG). Wkwkwk. The halal foods masha'Allah. I rarely eat chickens and beef here because not everything is halal. But good for me, I eat more vegetables and seafood here, I am (trying to) live a healthy life and walk around more. I was so lazy when I live in Indonesia because everything is sooooo easy and comfortable there. Halal foods everywhere, cheap transportations (a.k.a Gojek) who are willing to transport you from one place to another place, or my favourite... delivering our favourite foods at a VERY reasonable price. Oh, how I love Indonesia. I never left my comfort zone my whole life before.

Living abroad as a student before I even reach 20 is a dream come true. Living in a society where the majority is non-muslims (even atheists, to be precise) surely is a different challenge. Korea is a country where the majority of people are eating pork like I eat chickens in daily life and drink soju like I drink water on a daily basis. That's why I always said that studying abroad in Korea is both a trial and a blessing for me. I am proud of my religion. I am very proud of Islam and being a Muslim. Billions of people in the darkness and Allah chose you to be guided by His mercy. How can you not fall in love with His mercy? The love and pride that I have in my faith grow bigger and bigger it came to the point where I reflected on a lot of things, blessings and privileges that I have in Indonesia. I can find halal foods almost everywhere, literally everywhere. I can pray wherever I like: we have a lot of mosques and mushalla. I can hear adzan 5 times a day which soothes our soul. I didn't experience any weird look or discrimination because the whole majority are doing the same thing as I am, wearing the same clothing as I am, practising the same deen as I am.

"Being sinful is not something to be proud about,

and being righteous is nothing to be arrogant about."

I learned (and still) learned how to represent our deen the way it should be presented every single day. Although I am not perfect; my clothing is still not the way it is should be, my act and behaviour haven't yet portrayed what Prophet Muhammad SAW taught us to do, my speech hasn't benefited any of them, but at least I am trying to learn about myself and my religion more than I have ever done when I still have all those privileges. I seek refuge from Allah from any of my mistakes and wrongdoings. When I first came here on vacation, I never had this kind of thoughts. Well yes, I do have, but not this deep. Some of my friends never heard nor have a Muslim friend before, they told me they are actually afraid of Islam/Muslim because of what the media portrayed. All they have is bad thoughts and impressions. Well no wonder, I am not surprised at all. Even if I can't do a big thing in the future, at least I hope, my existence in Korea could help people understand more about the true Islam: it's not a religion of oppression, terrorism, or whatever you call it.

I got a lot of questions about Islam and hijab. The most common questions that I got so far are: "What?! You pray five times a day??? Wow you're so religious." I am not! Sometimes I wonder how performing five daily prayers can make you religious. It's obligatory. I am far from pious. I am just doing the basic thing that we should be doing as a Muslim. Or, "Do you have to wear that thing (hijab) every day? Can you take it off?" Yes??? and... No??? Wearing a hijab is my own choice and none of us is oppressed. We love hijaaab. Sometimes I laughed at how stupid the news that media makes about us. The news about us is so stupid that sometimes I and my hijabi friends (KGSP in Silla) make jokes about it. Rather than being offended, we laughed a lot to see all those stupid conspiracies. Well sorry to say, just my thoughts. "You can't eat pork?" or "Why can you eat chicken and beef but not *that* chicken and beef?" Yaaa because...why ya??? =)) Hahahaha.

"For you, I pray may your heart always 

be connected to the one who made it."

It's not easy to live in Korea as a Muslim. You will have a fewer option of foods and sometimes people will think you're strange; the way you dress, the way you eat, the way you do anything. But it's nothing about being strange, it's just that they're not getting used to it. And it's okay, we can't please everyone either. You could have the best intentions, and there would still be some, who will think the worst of you. Nevertheless, living in a non-religious country as a Muslim shouldn't discourage you from practising Islam. It shouldn't be an excuse for us to leave the teaching of Islam, our way of life. Instead, we should be proud of our deen. For insha'Allah, insha'Allah I promise, it will worth it in the end. Insha'Allah. May Allah forgive our mistakes and make us among the people that He loves. I am nothing but a sinner, if Allah had no mercy on me I would have been doomed a long time ago. Astaghfirullah.


"And I did not create the Jinn and Mankind
except to worship me. [Qur'an 51-56]"

My KGSP-U 2018 Journey (Embassy Track)

Halo, semuanya!
Post ini aku tulis buat temen-temen yang nanya gimana caranya aku bisa kuliah di Korea dengan full scholarship. Alhamdulillah aku dapet kesempatan jadi salah satu grantee KGSP (Korean Government Scholarship Program)-Undergraduate 2018 dari Indonesia. KGSP itu beasiswa yang diberikan pemerintah untuk siapa aja yang pengen ngelanjutin studinya di Korea Selatan. Aku sendiri applied via Embassy Track, KGSP-U 2018 dari Indonesia total ada 6 orang: 3 embassy track/S1, 1 university track/S1, dan 2 associate degree/D2. Informasi lebih lanjut bias langsung cek studyinkorea.go.kr ya :)

WARNING: ini bakal panjang banget. ehehe. literally. very long. click continue reading!

~ CERITA SEBELUM APPLY KGSP ~

Keinginan untuk study abroad itu udah ada sejak SD (ini blognya udah ada sejak aku SD kelas 6 which is waktu umur 12 tahun?). Dulu pengennya di Inggris, Belanda, Jerman, Australia, Amrik, dsb lahhh tapi makin banyak baca dan cari-cari tentang beasiswa makin sadar kalo kuliah di luar negeri itu gak semudah itu, ribet, dan yang pasti butuh biaya yang banyak. Akhirnya waktu SMA mulai cari-cari lagi tentang info-info beasiswa, waktu itu sih ngincer beasiswa dari MEXT/Monbukagakusho yang ke Jepang. So I studied Japanese for a few months karena niatin bener buat JLPT (tapi gak jadi hahaha) sampe anak kelas hafal dan udah males sama aku kayaknya liat aku ngoceh mulu kaya wibu :( #nooffense . Sempet juga ikut beberapa lomba bahasa Jepang untuk beginner waktu kelas 11 saking extranya sama Japanese. Hingga suatu ketika pada pertengahan tahun 2016 aku mulai ada di fase enek sama kanji soalnya buanyaaak dan susah banget :( dan.. ada beberapa hal yang bikin aku males sama Jejepangan hahahah. You know, people change~

Akhirnya waktu kelas 12, kelasnya kan diacak kan tuh ya, anak kelasku ini pada heboh nonton dan tukeran drama Korea. First of all, I never had any interest in korean dramas or kpop. Not even oppas they keep talking about. Tapi semenjak itu aku udah mulai ngelirik buat belajar Korean becauseee it's similar to Japanese, they said, and it will be muchh easier to learn Korean if you've learned Japanese/Chinese before. BUT, WRONG HAHA. THEY LIED. SAMA SUSAHNYA :( ok mungkin aku yg terlalu bego tapi susah dan ga sama haha. Struktur kalimatnya sama sih, tapi beda kok. Beda. pls. Walaupun begitu, I enjoyed learning Korean more tbh because Hangeul is easier than bunch of Katakana, Hiragana, and Kanji. And I kinda meninggalkan belajar Japanese gradually as I enjoyed Korean more. Tepatnya pada bulan Agustus 2016, itu adalah waktu aku bingung dan galau banget antara.....

Counting Days

The wait is over (well, not over yet tho I am still waiting for my visa and etc etc), the final result has been announced earlier this January. The road wasn't smooth, it was rather rough and full of rocks. I limped but He guides me 'till the end. I was being worried, doubtful, and indecisive but He convinces me to continue, to remember the reasons why I started.

I have one month left to officially become a KGSP 2018 scholar. Aside being busy applying for my visa, medical check-ups, preparing my entry to Korea, and the hectic-packing-ngeribetin-days, I spend some time hanging out with my friends and family. Hang-out, the thing that I rarely do because most of the time I like to spend my days at home. I really am a home person(?), anak rumahan maksudnya. Hahahah.

My side-kick, started talking about how I should keep contacting her like we always do everyday. About can I stay a bit longer and she started being possessive as always. Well, parting away is not really a big deal for us since our friendship has been nearly 5 years and we only met ONCE. On the way twice tomorrow. We are so getting used of this ldr-like (yuck!) friendship since the beginning.

My liqo friends also, the friends who always remind me about the world and Jannah, also my murabbi, mba Hesti, who never stops teaching us everything she knows. They're precious gems Allah brought me in this world. Even before my departure, she always reminds me to keep my prayer on time (which is so hard but I'm trying :'( ) and let our alumni there to make sure that I continue my liqo. Insha'Allah. Things will be different, prayers will be harder. Even to hold onto my deen will be both a trial and blessing. Alhamdulillah :)

Well, I hope that the universe will be good to you for the rest of the year and I truly hope you guys find the happiness you deserve and if you're going through any hardships, please hold on. There are better things to come so yeah as usual take care of yourselves.

I love you guys, a lot.

p.s : anyway, Insha'Allah I will write posts about my journey getting this scholarship as any of you have asked me through dm, email, and WhatsApp. I wish through this way I can help you to reach your dreams :) If I haven't write any, please refer to previous scholar and read the guidelines carefully before asking! Please check studyinkorea.go.kr or Kedubes Korea for Indonesia's website. Best of luck.

Cassiopeia

Once upon a time, somebody loved t-he gravity so much.
He was a whisper of blue, colour me intrigued.
He was an ice in the desert; fire in the glaciers.
He was the star that redrew the cosmos in the expanding universe.
He made her look at the stars differently, to the names of constellations.
It was true. Not an exaggerating black nor a pretentious white.
Six-feet deep, I am at the edge of the stellar black hole.
I've seen this raw strength only once before;
untamed power and beyond that, something hidden.
Although stars continued to collide
in the universe that is no longer infinite and immutable.
Even if one day, mankind's descendant will gaze at the night sky
and see a starless carpet of perfect black.
I don't know. I never knew.
Should the gravity collapse,
may the Force will always be with you.

***
WOw, does it sound a bit cheesy, eh? Forgive me, my Lord.
This is nothing. Just a glimpse of thoughts at midnight, I just need to pour it all out.
Oh, and this, too, will be the last post in 2017. Welcome, 2018. Be good to me.

3 months or less // a reflection on year 2017

Date: 14 December 2017, today;
Time: 2:26 a - posted;
Place & Condition: living room, with blankets on and comfy pajama, the weather is quite cold after rains since morning. puffy eyes, dark circles, redness, flaky, and pimples all over the face (lol sorry). oh, and hungry.

-------------

Just a few weeks more before 2018. This year was okay. Fantastic if I may say, the dynamics of being a high schooler to a college student. The first six months of 2017 was filled with the constant chaos of exams: from school mid-term, end-term (whatever you name it), national exam, SNMPTN (though I didn't pass since the very first round kk), SBMPTN, UM/Mandiri/Simak UI, TOPIK, IELTS, and never-ending life lessons. woooww, that escalated quickly. All of this was planned the year before in 2015-2016 to prepare myself for whatever it takes in 2018. For me, 2017 is a year of execution. What I've been planning and prepared for years before were executed this year; to determine whether or not I've tried and prepared seriously for the life that I wanted. 

From July to September I was living a life as a sophomore in one of the public university in my city. The reason why I got into this university was because: this is the only university that accepted me. Period. I've never thought that university life is supposed to be like that, or maybe just there, I don't know. Or maybe just because I never wanted to be there. However, I am grateful that I still got accepted because this is a pre-requirement from my mom before I can actually choose what I want. During those times, I kept fulfilling my duty as a student there by attending courses and doing tasks just like the other, but on the other time, I was still preparing for a scholarship abroad. Yea, finally, I said it after such a long time... I used to only talk about it implicitly. Alhamdulillah things unexpectedly went good, although I still have to wait for some other final announcements.

I still have 3 months or less, before stepping into a totally new world for the next five years or less. The thing that I have always wanted (nor do I still believe that I achieved it) is in my hand now. But, when I think about it now: is it what i really wanted? 

Before deciding to take this path, I have thought over both the benefits and consequences that I will take, the opportunities that will follow and the things that I have to sacrifice in order to do that.  Once I stepped in, there is no way to go back (before such period of time) and I have to deal with whatever that I will face in the following years. Getting this once in a lifetime experience is both a blessing and trial for me. The only reason that keeps me doing and reaching for my dream is my parents. But my parents is also the reason why I don't feel like to go far away from home.

I was being pretty emotional tonight, maybe because it was 2 a.m and I was tired while the thoughts of living far away from home suddenly appeared and haunted me. I will miss the decent and unfunny jokes my family always throws every day. My family is nonsense and our joke is nowhere else to be found except in our tiny home. I will miss how much I hate being told to wash the dishes. I will miss how I always argue with my brother and laughs like a crazy although he is so annoying. I will miss the taste of my mom's home-cooked meals even though it is not as fancy as in the restaurant. I will miss my always-messy-room my dad never stops to talk about. I will miss every single thing that I hate and eventually I will realized how much I have been ungrateful for the things that has been there all the way around.

I still have 3 months or less; 

I decided to quit earlier from the university in my country even though my departure is still on next year and it is not even the end of the semester. I spent 3-4 months there and I was glad, at least, I have some new friends and knowledges. Three months might sound like a long time, but it feels like a short time now. I just want to spend more time with my family and friends before going to the other side of the world. I want to spend more time at home: even though I don't even do anything significant at home, just laying down, or doing something unnecessary. Although later I will not be completely alone, things would get lonely sometimes and I will miss every little things I never noticed here before.

So, is it still what i really wanted? 

Yes. For my parents, family, and my own sake.

"And maybe I, too, shall remember why I started.So when things go wrong or I become uncomfortable, I can still find a way to be grateful and tawakkal* for anything that may happen in the future."

-------

Note:

*Tawakkal: 

(1) Religion; Islamic belief.

(2)Tawakkal is having full faith of Allah that He will take care of you, even when things look impossible.

{ royal pains ♛ }

battles raged, rebels revolted

jewelry crowned on the cold throne

my soul cheers in glory

the diadem of diamonds and bloody red sapphires

should the glass shattered

scattered fragmented pieces cut through the vein;

revealing my blood in black ruby

"i am the queen of the empire!"

[2.34 am // heavy rain and thunder]

v a g u e

                            it took seconds to realize
the scarcity in the distance between

        how you quiver,

                when the mouth dries

   and how you groan,

        when cold hugs you tight

    i barely know,

what is going on

                           for the truth, is yet to find

          and the reality,

seems knocked you down

   for you're a disease,

                             a virus; so devastating

            begging, thirsting, craving

slowly sinking and wasting

                        since the beginning

[1.49 am // quite windy]

November Bersyukur / Grateful November

"Happiness is not about getting what you want all the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it."

Gak kerasa udah dua bulan terakhir sebelum tahun 2018 dan rasanya waktu berjalan cepeeet banget (ya kadang lama juga sih. Hahaha.) It has been more than 5 months after high school graduation and I will be 19 years old soon. Still doing nothing, as always. Banyak hal udah terjadi dari kegagalan-kegagalan, kegalauan(?), fase-fase when you feel like you're on the edge of the world, kebahagian /ea, kesadaran akan banyak hal, penemuan atau pencarian jati diri, dan unexpected things lainnya. Tapi terlepas dari itu semua, I realized a lot of things that Allah is good and He wants the best for us in ways that we can't imagine before. Therefore, never doubt Him, move forward, and let's be grateful :)

So, I read a blog from a famous blogger where she listed and reflected on things she is being grateful for. I was expecting big things but turns out she also wrote about the little things I never expect she would write before. I was thinking why don't I do that too... maybe, somehow, in that way I can reflect upon things that ever happened to me so I can value things, even the smallest ones, more than before. Okay let's just do it.

I am grateful....

1. Allah still gives me the chance to breathe and live another day in this world
2. Allah gives me a pair of eyes to see, a nose to smell, a mouth to eat and taste, ears to listen to voices and nature, hands to write and do a lot of things with it, feet to walk to a lot of places, organs to digest the food I eat until filtering the oxygen I breathe, vessels to pump blood to the lungs or hearts, skin to protect me from UV rays and whatever, ... okay, I may stop otherwise I'll be teaching biology soon.
3. I am healthy although I am underweight for my height ahahha I should exercise /meh
4. Allah gives me a beautiful, loving, and very supportive family to surround with
5. Allah brings me good friends who always support and remind me of the world and the hereafter (may Allah blesses you guys.)
6. I learn the beauty and goodness of Islam which always brings tears in my eyes
7. Prophet Muhammad PBUH (Peace be upon him) as my role model
8. I live in a decent and sufficient lifestyle. My family isn't that rich and I grew up learning that we have to work harder in order to achieve something and I learned to be grateful more for what we have.
9. My parents are practicing Islam now and mom is wearing a hijab :')
10. I have an annoying little brother who is very loud and weird. But thanks for your weird jokes though. You have developed a lot since the last three years, we can talk about deep things now even though you're still annoying and put me in a bad mood sometimes. But hey we never have any serious fights even since we're young.
11. for Tasya Rahman who voluntarily willing to be my side-kick. A true INTJ who always being mocked for her lack of F by an INFJ a.k.a me. Thank you for always being there, literally, every day, from day one to the days when everything is so gloomy or as bright as I am. Thanks for your support and long-@$$ paragraphs.
12. Dinda the best research partner ever! Thank you so much for accompanying me throughout the years, our hard times and suffering in high school. I'll never forget our rough journey. You're not only my research partner but also temen curhat ga karuan dan calon ibu yang pandai memasak yang jago benerin motor juga:( gak ngerti deh:(
13. For Ero, through the up and downs supporting each other. I never met someone who is so Harry Potter and astronomy freaks as you are! Please never give up on your dreams.
14. I met Shecil though our closeness was because of something weird and actually not-so-worth to diurus. But I am grateful we did! Thanks for your "pre-cautions" and reminders. You're one of the strongest girl I've ever known.
15. To have Ninis and Febri who always sharing islamic thoughts and quotes to remind each other for the hereafter.
16. Willa, Shinta, Arum, Rama: the people who surprised me for the first time in my house:') for three years. Always. Thank you. So. Much.
17. I am an INFJ-A who values deep conversations and solitude over anything else.
18. I am interested in languages and have the ability to learn
19. I think I am a pretty good listener? even though agak gak peka
20. I have visited Bali island twice in the recent years
21. I went to Padang, Sumatera Barat with Ero and Dinda although we lose at the competition we entered
22. I traveled abroad for the first time in 2017 (to South Korea)
23. I am single hahahahahha this is so fun you know
24. "it" has ended last year /bye!
25. Our experience in research has brought us to a lot of places, met new friends, and gain new experience (plusss bonus: money and medals! Kkkk)
26. We got the chance to enter Young Researcher Competition (LPB), ISPO (Indonesian Science Project Olympiad) 7th, and OPSI 2016 (Olimpiade Penelitian Siswa Indonesia) during High School.
27. We presented our research project in front of students from Chiba University, Japan
28. I learned about hardships and went through it a lot
29. I got the honor to visit Georgian Embassy and met Mr. Zurab Aleksidze (Georgian Ambassador / Duta Besar Georgia) in 2015
30. I met inspiring research mentors (Mas Zakaria, Mas Rizqi, Mbak Dewi A, Mbak Dewi P, Mas Afif, Mbak Fiesha, Mbak Tika!) who taught me about research, life-lessons, islamic, and social things.
31. I met admirable Islamic mentors (including my research mentors above, Mbak Hesti, Mbak Cho, Mbak Sanya!) they are the bestttt people I've ever met omg :') I still wonder how they manage to say things very beautifully and carefully words by words
32. I met Attack on Titan cast, Watanabe Shu! and spoke (a very bad) Japanese to him
33. I met Chelsea Islan, Afgan and Yura also took selcas with them (+got their signs though it's gone now) even though I wasn't really a fan of them but isn't it kewl. no? okay.
34. I met ZENIUS!!! huhuhu read this post about Zeniussss to know how much I love Zenius
35. I passed SBMPTN even though I really think that I didn't deserve a seat because mannnn I was so lazy and wow although it wasn't a big and famous university or the best, I was grateful after all?! I never expect that I will pass anyway.
36. I discovered Stephen Covey and Anthony Robbins' books earlier!
37. I love books and journaling
38. yeah I love skincare too lol.
39. I have break-outs these days and now I understand how it feels like to have acnes and pimples all over your face. Plus, I have redness, dry, and sensitive issues. I just knew that it could be this stressful and I experienced a low self-esteem... so, never mock your friends with pimples or acne problems. Instead, support and give them skincare advices (if you know any). Well, I am grateful, otherwise, I may have hurt a friend because I never knew how bad it feels like.
40. I discovered famous-inspiring people who will always inspire me: Kak Budi Waluyo, Kak Gamal Albinsaid, Pak B.J Habibie, Wirda Mansur, Yusuf Mansur, Kak Dewi, Kak Ibrahim, and including my favorite book authors aforementioned before and a lottt of people.
41. I passed document screening and interview phase :') Never expect this one too. Maybe I'll write about this one more if things are going as planned. Well, next year. 
42. I learned how to be grateful :)
43. Last but not least... I am grateful for Islam itself. Islam is the biggest and the most beautiful blessing ever happened in my life.

Guys, this is endless...

فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?

The fact that this verse is repeated 31 times in Surah ar-Rahman [#55]… I don’t think that is by accident. It’s without a doubt, one of my favorites ayats [verses] from the Qu’ran. See? Of all the things that I am being grateful for, when I think about it more, I feel like I don't actually deserve all those things. Allah is very good to me, soooo many blessings have bestowed upon me yet I keep on sinning and forgetful. Happiness is not about getting what you want all the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it. We can never count Allah's blessings... Mashallah.