미안해

それを言うべきじゃなかった
何かを言ったことに分からないから
それを言った、私が尋ねた

ごめんなさい
私のせいです
尋ねるために残念だった

泣かないでください
あきらめないでください
私と話する、ありがとう

[Day 7] What is the hardest thing I've ever experienced

"I thought the hardest thing in life is about going through pain and heartbreak, when people started to say 'you can't forget your first love', then why do people forget their parents?"

I was pretty confused because...I don't know what is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I am not even experienced yet. I never see something like a burden to me. There is always ups and downs and life, and that's just how life is. People said the biggest challenge in life is marriage. I haven't experienced it yet, and I don't know if my experiences are enough to call me experienced. As a 17 years old who knows nothing about the world and have zero experience in life, I'll try to sort it out.

I thought the hardest thing in life is surviving for school, but it's not as hard as the homeless who survived on the road every day. I thought the hardest thing in life is choosing a restaurant to eat, but there are still unlucky people who don't know whether they will eat or not tomorrow. Survive from school is not that vital. I thought the hardest thing in life is saying hello and goodbye, but it's much better than never try to make a move. I thought the hardest thing in life is choosing to risk it all or walk away. I thought the hardest thing in life is deciding whether to give up or just try harder. I thought the hardest thing in life is pretending, but I am doing it quite well.

I thought the hardest thing in life is loving ourselves, but loving Allah and His messenger need a pure and sincere heart. I thought the hardest thing in life is the disappointment of failing on exams, but it is not as big as the disappointment of the parents who sees their kids leaving them as they grow up. I thought the hardest thing in life is about going through pain and heartbreak when people started to say you can't forget your first love, then why do people forget their parents? I am feeling so guilty for my parents, I've never been good doing my job as a daughter. 

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. I think these are the major thing to perceive the meaning of life. Whether something is hard or easy, it depends on how people see it. Well, back to it again, everything in life always depended on our choice. To love or not to love, to care or not to care, to give or not to give, and the list goes on. Just remember one thing, no matter how hard life gets, Allah will make everything beautiful at the right place and the right time. 

[Day 6] How I come across Blogspot and how my life has changed since joining

"I know, that someday I'll laugh at this posts and feel stupid after all. But, I just want to create the best memories I can. I want to remind myself, that through the hard times in life, we should always share happiness and joy within ourselves."

Okay so let's just forget about how many days I skipped, I'll just get going with the challenge~^^;;;
Warning! It's gonna be a long post!

I started blogging since I was in grade 6 in elementary school, that was the moment when I've always nagged my mom and dad to give me my personal email account and sign me up for facebook which most of my friends already had. My parents said I couldn't have it yet because my age was still under the minimum requirement and I keep asking for it by saying, "my friends already have it, why can't I?". Internet was new thing these days and parents were aware of this issue, you know child kidnapping and etc. Some of them even made one without telling their parents. I don't even know why am I even feeling so scared to break the rules, the fact that I've never felt under pressure, they never mad or screamed at me.

So when my friends are talking about what was happening on facebook and etc how the post on each other walls and stuff (now it sounds ridiculous, why do I even nagged for it), I just keep listening and "whoa." while my parents keep saying no so I thought, well maybe it's just not this time. I've never tried to break the rules, I was kinda obedient these days. Like most children, who has not even through puberty yet, I've always curious about everything and I just want to try everrrrrything. And there comes a day when my mother gave me one, and the rule is she must know everything that I do on the internet. I didn't know why back then and I just agreed since my mind already conceiving new things I'll discover soon. Well, I just realized that everything they did for me was for good and my safety. I don't know if internet can be this harmful and useful at the same time, it depends.

The url never changed since the very first day, it's still the same. I remember the first blog layout was magenta pink and titled "Febby's world" (uh-huh what). Ok, my world. And I felt as if I have my new own space to pour my thoughts about everything. I used to write short stories and personal experiences (I still do). I made friends with those who were crazy over HSM (High School Musical)!! HSM was so lit and our forever otp was Troy and Gabriella and that's it! My blogger friends; Eno, who is my chairmate and my crazy-over-hsm-and-astronomy friend since elementary school; Mbak Keisha Lyubiana (and Katya, Astrid, Amel if you still remember me!), I nearly choked when re-read our decent emails about hsm and blogger things; Athaya Syafadira, who is always been an amazing person! I always envied you because you've travelled in a lot of places! Hehe; Margaretha Lie, I don't know if you still remember me, you are famous now and have grown to be a veryyy beautiful and stylish person! If you remember how decent you was in our emeil conversation, I also really enjoyed different religion kind of conversation back then; and my childhood internet friends whom I cannot mention one by one. I love you guys, a lot!

Then I stopped blogging for one or two years because I just don't know what to post anymore. And I came back after a few years decided to do something else started by changed its title to "A Hot Marshmallow" and a few changes for the background and widgets. The title, I don't have any idea why I picked that hot marshmallow whatsoever, I think I was just inspired by Diana Rikasari's hot chocolate and mint. I started to blog with my very poor English ability, to improve my English and self-improvement. I really adore Evita Nuh! Her English and French ability, her sense towards fashion, her personal life basically, and her everything that she accomplished at such a young age; 12 years old! I achieved nothing when I was her age, she is even one year younger than me. She inspired me a lot and I thought I  should do that too!

I also joined a lot of blog giveaways after I found out Kak Elsa and Dija's blog! I joined my very first giveaway held by Kak Elsa, and I won! I won it and be the youngest participant, I was sooo happy. The giveaway was to write a letter for Dija, so that she can read it in the future, when she turns 17. Kak Elsa is really sweet and amazing person!! Hahaha, and now Dija has grown sooo beautiful as always. And there came a time when I suddenly get a few proposals for endorsements and sponsorship for this blog, I've never imagined it before. My first giveaway was sponsored by one of the international glasses company, it wasn't that big but I felt so content to finally held a giveaway. This experiences taught me a lot on how to negotiate for a quite long time with a company from another country before we finally deal with each other's agreement. I had no experience on how to negotiate, nor to write formal emails, with my very basic English understanding. I barely remember what I did.

I don't remember exactly when did I changed the title to Amortentia, I was inspired by the potions in Harry Potter and I thought it sounds cool. So I made a few changes again. I am feeling like my English has gotten better, not good, just better. And until now, I am still keeping up with my main goal, self-improvement. Now, this is also a place for me to share whatever is going on in my life, my random thoughts, Islamic related things, and also to practice my language skills other than English. I know, that someday I'll laugh at this posts and feel stupid after all. But, I just want to create the best memories I can. I want to remind myself, that through the hard times in life, we should always share happiness and joy within ourselves.

Through the stop and continue in blogging. At times, I am feeling like "well, no one would read this anyway", but I don't really care because I just love to write and my main goal still is a self-improvement on the first place!  I often reviewed my previous post, I laughed every time I re-read those childhood memories and old posts. How I was thinking my English was quite good, but the reality is I don't go anywhere (esp the post in 2013-less!). What a pity. I nearly cried (for laughing) to read my old posts. But, I don't regret it at all. No matter how many mistakes I made with the grammar or the content itself, my very basic knowledge towards everything, I am happy that I had gotten this awareness in such a fairly young age.

[Day 5] How important I think education is

Education is SO important like...even if it is so hard, you know the struggle, sacrifices, and the minutes to hours to years we spend our time in it People really should educate themselves. For their own sake. For everyone sake. For this generation sake. I wasn't talking about the education system, because honestly...sorry to say, it is such a crap nowadays. I don't even have to mention it, people would agree (except to some countries which their education system are superb, hands down). I have no idea, how schooling really works. So basically, we get to kindergarten at the age of 6 or 7 (you might also experience playground stage earlier) and then an elementary school for 6 years and every student just progresses to junior high school to high school and then the so-called-though-university life.

I don't know if this education system really works, where we are educated to...memorise? rather than to learn. I mean, we can see...that, somehow, this kind of system creates a generation of a cheater because our education system values grade more than honesty, integrity, and the value of learning itself. Even though it is actually their own choice whether they choose to "cheat and get a great result which is basically not their right" or "do the best and just whatever with the result". Both, have impacts in short and long terms. The first type might get satisfied and enjoy the short term moments where they don't have to worry to do remedial, and the second probably...you know. And in long terms, I don't want to guess and make a stereotype for people like that, but...the second type might value honesty, even more, therefore, we need this kind of people to lead the world. Well, it doesn't rule out of the possibilities that there is fate and people can change and repent. But both actions, carved people's character, with or without them realizing it. Anyway, there is no harm in repeating good thing, so why bother?

And by the importance of education itself means the urge of seeking for knowledge. Even Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "The seeking of knowledge is obligatory for every Muslim." - Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 74. Mashaallah! I always keep it to myself...whenever and from whoever I seek for the knowledge, I always remind myself that knowledge should keep me humble. We should seek for knowledge not to point out that other people are wrong so we can judge them easily, it doesn't mean we can say a bad thing to others because we think we are better than them. Who are you to judge? The more knowledge we have, the more humble we should be. Instead, we are becoming judgemental. (I remember I heard it from the lecture of Nouman Ali Khan, he really is an inspiration, may Allah bless him). Judgemental can lead you to be arrogance and ignorance, how terrible will that be?

Anyway, I've always wanted to share this video I found on YouTube made by a YouTuber, his most viral video was about "The Meaning of Life", you should check that too. I would be very happy if you want to watch this! :) Remember, keep educating yourself and leave what the media says.

[Day 4] My middle name and how I feel about it

ok so literally i just skipped 7 days of this 30-day-blogging challenge...

posting a post every single day is a hard thing to do. geez, seriously.

Whenever I told my middle name as my nickname in demand, I got these reactions...

"your name is beautiful." "can i have your name?" "aurora, like...the princess?" "i love your name" "your name sounds better" "holy shit you have a cool name" or even something like this, "when i was 7, i used to ask my mom to change my name to aurora" and I was like, really?

I honestly really adore my middle name over my surname and last name (sorry guys but middle name wins). I often asked my mom and dad about the meaning of my name and they're never really sure about it. I once asked my mom about my name and she was like,

"go ask your dad, he really wants that name for the first daughter. I don't know." so I was pretty happy that day and decided to ask dad and he was like, "me neither.".

I mean yeah probably they just made it up like, "ah right maybe t goes better with this" "nah this name fits." "what's the whole meaning actually?" "i don't know.".

Ok, I am so done with this. I also really love it because it sounds like..aw-raw-rah or aw-roar-uh or whatever. And also because it is close with the word "Auror" as in Harry Potter which is an elite group of witches and wizards, loyal to the Ministry of Magic (Harry and Ron are Auror!) so I am feeling like "y'all right imma have a cool name"

Trying to find the answer but ended up with nothing, I decided to look it up to our fairy godmother nowadays, Google. I was stuck within a moment and thinking, well done...hand clapping for my own self to honor my own self (lol I just self-praising). The description of aurora, Aurora borealis and australis to be precise, quite made me feel a bit overwhelming. But for my opinion, I think it is enchanting, stunning, and...regal? Smh.

Ah~! I remembered, back to the old days when I was in kindergarten, my favorite natural phenomenon was the magical magnetic-phenomenon-whatsoever-something-happens-upper-the-atmosphere, the aurora. My favorite princess among the Disney princesses was princess Aurora too. Both are simply because we share a same name and I thought it was cool. Both the electrical phenomenon and the disney princess are gorgeously beautiful and it always got me thinking, when will I get the beauty too? Feels unfair how they got that easily while I have to work for it. kkk just kidding. Well, one thing is true about it is...my middle name is Aurora and I sleep like Princess Aurora...except, I don't sleep beautifully. I get sleepy most of the time and I really like to take a nap and sleep and sleep. And I do this.

netflix and chill (ain't got netflix 'cause no money to pay bills)

 And instead, I woke up like this.
 ok sorry if this thing scared you. 

[Day 3] Your Top 5 Pet Peeves

Assuming that anyone who has different opinion or belief is stupid. I don't get it why some people can't respect other people's opinions, whether it is their belief and views toward any matters. Close-mindedly thinking that their opinion is the truest and cannot be turned down. I think it is such a big turn-off.

People who try to make conversations when I am reading and/or listening music/whatever with earphones on. It really gets on my nerves. When someone assumes that when we are reading a book that we are "doing nothing" and therefore can be interrupted, repeatedly. Sometimes all I need is solitude and locked myself from the real life with my favorite books and drowns to a fantasy without worrying about anything else. It is my own way for self-loving, and I need that in life. Some other time, I just don't want to talk with anyone. 

People who finds everything to complain about. Those who blame anything but themselves for their own failure. Well, I do complain about a lot of things too, but I am trying as hard to finish and deal with it as soon as I get my mood back. At least I tried.

People that simply cannot take their trash to the trash bin in places. Littering everywhere or throwing paper trash or whatever it is through your car window. Or throw their empty bottles or cans to everywhere they like (and inside pots) and never felt guilty of it.

Smoking in public area. I really cannot stand smoke, especially cigarettes. And people who do this in public, while they're driving, or talk. And their breath smells like cigarettes. Or they smoke in public and the smoke goes everywhere all over people's face and they keep suck it, though you realized that people around them are closing their nose and gazed at them. Even if their clothes smells like cigarettes. Seriously?

That's my top 5 pet peeves (I wish I could add more) and that's really...really annoying, not only for me but also other people. So, what are your pet peeves?

[Day 2] Stuff I am not good at (and that's ok)

Stuff I am not good at means...basically, my weaknesses? There are many things I am not good at and sometimes I am feeling like extra-useless and be like "did you forget your promises for self-improvements?!". I'll be like rushing to do this and that and the next day I will be like, "catch up later.", or "Nah, just, not now.", "it's raining. my blankets are missing me. I knew it." and goes to "what a lovely sunny day, I'd rather go to sleep." and a bunch of lines like that. 

To not being lazy is like the hardest game ever, I know it's everyone's major problem, maybe 97% of the world's population. The rest 3% are just super rare and unique and congratulations you guys are so lucky can I be you!? 

Seeing someone else is crying, I'll cry too without any specific reason in all of sudden. Somebody, could you please explain to me why and please tell my eyes to stop pouring salty-waters just by seeing others cry.

Eat a lot and gain weight. I am that type of people who eats like an elephant but my body keeps looking like a peppero or pocky stick. You're welcome. (I want to gain at least 5 kgs more but it's so hard for the sake of healthiness)

Staying clean and tidy, this. This, I TRY SO HARD TBH. I might have cleaned it on a day with all the energy and all might I have left, but the next day it will come back again to super chaos. A wrecked ship and stuff. Clothes, bread crumbs, water bottle are everywhere. Books and paper are scattering all over the floor. And my mom be yelling, "why no one helps me" and "we don't raise you to create titanic honey"

I am not good at doing just one thing. It's hard to just focus on one thing. Multi-task. I like multitasking and I read on certain sources from the internet that it's not good to multitasking, doing one thing at a time is much much better to keep yourself on track, they said. 

Being on time. I like to endure and this is where most of the problems lie. Time-management is like the most crucial thing in the world and I am trying so hard at this but whyyyy myself why

Of all the things I am not good at, living in the real world is perhaps the most understanding. And really, people, we should stop spending our time wondering why we're not good enough. Everyone has the things they're not good at, and that's okay! ^^

[Day 1] The Difference Between My Personal and Internet Self

Honestly, I've never thought about it; the difference between my personal and internet self? Wouldn't it be just the same? I am the same person to the person I am on the internet, am I? Thinking that I might be wrong for these thoughts in the first place, I realized that our personal and internet self is likely to have huge differences. Yes, it does.

For this post, I decided to take the famous psychology personality test by Carl Jung and Briggs Myers today, again (Click this link if you want to know yours!). The result is I am an INFJ. The INFJs are sometimes mistaken as an extrovert because we appeared so outgoing and enjoying the accompany of other people. But honestly, it's just the opposite, we are true introverts and rather to spend our time alone. I do. Tranquility and solitude enthusiasts. You know, we are daydreamers.

I honestly, like super honest, I love being alone and I hate being around people and crowds, although I am noisy and speaks a lot. I don't know, I am not quite sure about that too...maybe I am an extrovert? It is also stated that "Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills." wHOA. I don't know but this is so true. I basically...I hardly say things verbally but I am feeling like I am quite good or better if I write it down, compose words between spaces for numerous times on a daily basis. I was always interested in-depth, everything with such deep meanings, whatever it is. I love linguistics and various kind of knowledge, maybe that's why I love languages. Languages are like super aesthetic and attractive. Don't you think so?

To distinguish my personal and internet self...I honestly don't know how should I write about it, I, myself, it's hard to distinguish them. But maybe like I said, maybe, sometimes people misunderstood me for being an extrovert. Or I don't know. Some people also didn't understand my personal deeply held principles. And you know things like...how we treat some things differently or my views toward particular things like religion, knowledge, society, commitment, love, education, and life itself.

Everyone is free to choose and determine their life principles, so why bother forcing other people to use your principles? I mean, just deal with it. And things like, idk, I also use the sarcasm language a lot too. I am not cool and not smart-headed, but I like learning and enjoy its process. I perhaps seemed like good at languages, but tbh I am not fluent, I am just currently working on it. They said, "Fake it 'till you become it.", so I fake it and perhaps I'll become it. That's my way for self-improvement. I sometimes being insecure about how people might have been disappointed by me, because I am not the person they expected me to be, and things like that. I also really envy those people in such young ages like in their early 11-17s, or way younger than that, they already invented remarkable and amazing inventions. The young researchers. Also, the young hafiz-hafizah (people who memorized the Qur'an), Masha Allah. And I thought, what have I gained during my 17 years on earth? Why am I wasting my precious time?! etc. I get insecure all the time. We are all the same, and I think most people already experienced it too, so did the elders and etc.

Whatever we are in both real and internet self, just go through it. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase. It's just a phase, a metaphor.

30-Day Blogging Challenge!

Recently I just deleted some of the social media one by one, you might realize that there is only my e-mail on contact section, I am no longer using Twitter and Facebook after the moment I realized something-um...you know about, when you upload something on the internet...it stays there forever (I don't know how to say about it but the thoughts of it creeped me out lol), even though I am still using Instagram. I want to get rid of social media slowly and living my life completely, despite the fact that I will always keep e-mail and blog! Well, that's simply because I love writing and stuff. I've always wanted to do a 30-day-challenge-whatsoever since ages but keeping up a challenge for 30 days straight is not an easy thing to do, that's the main reason why it was always delayed. I did the questions challenges a few times, but a 30-days challenge...I've never given it a try. Only hearing its title makes me sweating already.

But, since I spend my time again on blogging earlier (oh I forgot to tell you that it's a week holiday, short-term indeed), I think it would be great if I do something different or challenging... so I thought why don't I give it a go and see if I can make it? So here I am! I am gonna do the 30-day blogging challenge!! It means I am going to post any post related to the topic above on a daily basis in 30 days straight. Yay! I'll try as hard as I can to post anything every. single. day. in. 30. days. straight. God! It sounds tiring. But I am pretty sure it is worth the try!! Basically, the 30-day blogging challenge list above is a compilation of the challenges I found on the internet and you're likely to find similar things, I just edited some parts. As the [Day 1] post comes up, it means the challenge has just started. Anyway.. anyone can join this challenge so if you're interested in doing this 30-day challenge, please let me know and comment below!

Have a good day, xx

「空と桜のために。。」

 

これは空のために、そして雲は上記ぶら下がっ
ほとんど毎日。。雨降って地固まる
すべては綺麗と思います
人生は本当に大変だよね
私は考えていた、あなたがそれを思いますか？

私はあなたを知ってだけ、もう幸せよ
あなたは私にたくさんのことを教えてくれました
あなたのおかげで、私の認識を変えました
綺麗の人生でしょう

私たちは同じ空を見てでしょう
でも。。知っているか
もしも、また会えるなら
聞くきたいことがたくさなる
つたえこともいっぱいある

きっといつかは消えてしまうの？
何とか。。もんだから分かってたのに
あなたがいた場合でも、忘れないで私の名だけは
ただそれだけなのに。。。

あ～なかない
心配しないでください
私は幸せでいることを見ることができませんか？
あなたは常にそのような？ばか

人々が「いつかすべての夢がかなえるよ」と言いました
いつか一緒に桜を見に行こう、それはどう？
君はあくまでも約束を守らなければならない
幸せでいてくださいね～


*p.s:
ーListening to this mesmerizing soundtrack of SAO while writing what-so-called-a-nonsense-above is enough to transport me to another side of the world. Don't you think it is somewhat...magical and relaxing? Somehow..it reminds me to Harvest Moon too. Farming life, trees, wind blows, calm, and tranquility. I like how it feels like something daringly quiet. Can you feel it too?
ー私の悪い日本語だから、それに何て言えばいいのか分からない。ごめんなさい！Ｔ＿Ｔ